Starbuck was having a very bad day. He supposed everyone had a bad day every so often, but his seemed to be exceptionally bad. He'd managed to piss off both Athena and Cassiopia in the same day, which must have been some kind of new record for him. They'd both told him exactly what they thought of him, pulling no punches. He probably deserved it. After all, he'd been seeing both of them for more than a yahren, and then he'd told them he didn't want either of them. Of course, he hadn't told them the reason behind the breakups. He'd realized some time ago that he wasn't in love with either of them; he was in love with someone else entirely. Unfortunately, the person he wanted didn't want him. So he'd continued to string Athena and Cassie along, hoping that he'd discover he liked one of them well enough to Seal with her. It hadn't turned out that way. Here it was, a yahren later, Apollo still didn't want him, and he still didn't want Athena or Cassie. Not that he'd ever actually asked Apollo about his feelings. But he was certain that if the other man was interested, he'd have said something by now. Surely Apollo wasn't afraid to show his feelings the way Starbuck was. Which one of them was it that had called him a coward, Athena or Cassie? It didn't matter. It was true. He was too afraid of losing Apollo's friendship to reveal his true feelings to him, and he would probably always be too afraid. After he'd dealt with Cassie and Athena, he'd been late for Briefing, and Colonel Tigh had torn a strip off him. All of Blue Squadron had been punished for Starbuck's tardiness, and that didn't endear him to the other pilots, whose patrols were each a centare longer today because of it. It didn't help that he hadn't been getting much sleep lately. The nightmares had been plaguing him again. Nightmares about Zac being blown to bits by the Cylons on a patrol that should have been his. Nightmares about Boomer, Jolly and the other pilots existing on life support because of a virus they'd picked up on a Cylon-occupied asteroid. Nightmares about Apollo falling dead in front of him, killed by Count Iblis. The lack of sleep was aggravating the usual aches and pains caused by his old war injuries. He was more fortunate than many, not being permanently disabled from his war wounds. But they still hurt, and the less sleep he got, the more they hurt. At least on a Battlestar he didn't have changing weather to make them worse. Starbuck decided that some physical activity would help his mood. Exercise might help him sleep, too. So he headed to Apollo's office to ask his friend if he wanted a practice Triad match. "Apollo ..." he started to say as he entered the office. Apollo didn't look up "Starbuck, I do not have time for you right now! Thanks to you I'm already a centare behind in my work. You may not care about your responsibilities, but I care about mine." Feeling tears pricking his eyes, Starbuck turned and left the office. He didn't want Apollo to see him cry. Apollo immediately felt sorry for his harsh words. Starbuck might have had a perfectly good reason to be late for briefing; Col. Tigh just hadn't wanted to know what it was before assigning Blue the extra duty. He turned around, "Starbuck, I'm sorry ..." But Starbuck was no longer there. Having given up on the idea of a workout, Starbuck returned to his bunk in the Bachelor Officers' Quarters. A few days ago he'd asked Dr. Salik for something to help him sleep, and had been given a bottle of pills, with explicit instructions to only take one at a time, and not to mix them with alcohol. He stared at the bottle now. He hadn't tried them yet; he'd been afraid that if he took one, he'd take them all. That didn't sound like such a bad idea right now. It might not be a bad way to go: just fall asleep and never wake up. He'd always imagined he'd go out in battle, facing the Cylons. He'd never thought of dying in bed, unless it was in the company of a beautiful woman. Or man, he added. But what did he have to live for? He started to shake the pills out into his palm. And was stopped by a hand grabbing his arm. "What are you doing?" Apollo asked. "Having trouble sleeping," he muttered in response. Apollo noticed the tear tracks on his cheeks. "So you decided that if taking one pill helped, taking them all would help more?" He was worried. He'd never seen Starbuck cry. He'd also never thought his friend would contemplate suicide. "Couldn't hurt," Starbuck answered. "On the contrary, it could hurt a great deal," Apollo replied. "Or is that the idea?" "What do you care?" Starbuck snarled at him. "I care a lot," he answered. "Why don't you tell me what's bothering you?" "Have you ever loved someone, Apollo? Someone who didn't love you?" "I don't know," was Apollo's answer. "There is someone I love, someone I've loved for yahrens, but I've never known if that person loves me or not." "Well, I hope for your sake she does, because loving someone who doesn't love you hurts like Hades." "Why don't you try loving someone who does love you, then?" Apollo asked. "Someone like me, for instance?" Stunned, Starbuck finally raised his eyes to look into Apollo's. "You love me?" he asked in a voice that was barely a whisper. "Very much." "But ... why?" Starbuck asked. "Why would you love someone like me?" "Why not?" Starbuck groaned. "Why not? For Sagan's sake, Apollo, I'm nothing! I'm an orphan. I don't come from a family like yours. I don't come from any family at all. I'm ... I'm a coward." "Starbuck!" Apollo exclaimed in astonishment. "A coward? You? You're not a coward. You're a warrior." "Your sister doesn't seem to think so." "My sister needs to have her head examined, in that case. When did she say you were a coward?" "Today, when I broke up with her. She said that I was a coward who was too afraid to tell her the real reason I broke things off. And the real reason I broke things off was because I don't love her, I love you ... but I was never brave enough to tell you." "Why didn't you tell me? What were you afraid of?" "Losing you." "Star, you could never lose me. I love you." "But *why*?" Starbuck asked again. Apollo reached out and took Starbuck into his arms. "Because you're my best friend. Because you're the person who flew into the void by the seat of his pants to pull me out. Because you're the one who flung himself off the hull of the ship to stop me flying out into space. Because you're good to Boxey. Because you've never been anything but a good, strong, *brave* person who I want by my side in everything, always." Then he added, "And I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier." "I deserved it. I was late for briefing." "Being late for briefing is not a crime, even if Colonel Tigh acts like it is." Reluctantly releasing the other man, Apollo stood. "How about you come back to my quarters with me? I have an idea for something that might help you sleep. And it's completely natural." Starbuck threw the pills into the nearest wastebasket and the two officers left the BOQ together. "In case I haven't said it already, I love you, Apollo." Apollo slung an arm around Starbuck's shoulders. "I love you too, Starbuck." END