Till You Love Me I sent you roses I warned you I would Do all that I could To show you the way that I feel Please don't say I'm wasting my time I've got nothing but time So I'll do all that I can To catch that ghost of a chance The sunlight, the moonlight Are beyond my control And there are stars in the heavens That I'll never hold But if dreams give you power Oh, then I'm strong enough To offer my heart And never give up till you love me Till you love me I looked in your eyes, So bright and so blue And that's when I knew That you could be mine If good things come to those who will wait Well, I guess I can wait If that's what I have to do Oh, it's worth it for you The sunlight, the moonlight Are beyond my control And there are stars in the heavens That I'll never hold But if dreams give you power Oh, then I'm strong enough To offer my heart And never give up Till you love me Till you love me. --"Till You Love Me" by Reba McEntire "You're saying that you *love* me?" Fraser sounded stunned. Which, Ray Kowalski reflected, was probably not something that should be surprising. After all, his presumably heterosexual best friend had just confessed to being in love with him. "Yeah, I'm saying that I love you, that I'm in love with you, that I've been in love with you since god knows when. Probably since the first day I met you and you were trying to prove I wasn't really Ray Vecchio." "What am I supposed to do with this information?" "Do? What are you supposed to do? Hell, I don't know, Fraser! Ideally, you would say you love me, too, and we'd fall in to each other's arms and make out like crazed weasels and live happily ever after, but I suppose that's a bit unrealistic." The detective was pacing through his living room. " 'Crazed weasels', Ray?" "It's a metaphor, Frase." "Actually, to be completely accurate, I believe it is a simile, Ray." "Whatever! Let's get back to the subject at hand, here," said the detective. "The subject being?" asked the Mountie. "Me! You! Me in love with you! And what the hell we're going to do about it." "Why do we have to do anything about it?" asked Fraser. "I didn't just pour my heart out to you for you to do *nothing*!" "Ray, I don't know what you want from me." "I want you, Ben. I want you in my life, I want you in my arms, and I want you in my bed." Fraser rubbed his fingers across his forehead. "Ray, I don't know what to tell you. I care very much for you. I might even love you, as a partner, a friend, a brother. But I don't think I'm in love with you. I'm sorry if that hurts you." "You don't *think* that you're in love with me? What, don't you *know* ?" Ben sighed. "Honestly, no, I don't. I don't have a lot of experience with love. I thought I loved Victoria. I thought she loved me. Now, looking back, I'm not so sure. After everything that happened with her... Frankly, Ray, the very idea of love scares me to death." "Fraser, what you had with Victoria wasn't love. It was obsession and control and even infatuation. I know I wasn't actually there, but I know about what happened with her. From what you've told me, it wasn't love. I would never treat you like she did." "In my head I know that, Ray. However, right now that is not the part that is calling the shots. In a way, it would be easier if all you wanted was my body. I would gladly give myself to you in that way. But my heart, at the moment, is not easily accessible." "Ben, I can understand that this isn't easy for you. Why do you think it took me so long to tell you how I feel? But I can wait for you. I can wait until you're ready. Until you love me." "But, Ray, how do you know that I will love you? I would hate to disappoint you. I don't want you to give up on possibly making a life with someone who can be what you need, in order to wait for something that might not happen." Ray put his hand under his partner's chin and turned Ben's face so that he was looking directly in to his eyes. "Because the first time I looked in to your eyes I knew that you could be mine one day. D'you remember when that was? It was after Greta Garbo shot me, an' you didn't know I was wearing a vest. You were so concerned about me, an' you called me 'Ray'. You tried to deny it, of course. But I knew. I knew that you cared. I've got lots of time, Fraser. You are worth waiting for. " Fraser tried to pull away. "Ray," he said, "I can't promise you anything. I can't say if I will ever be able to love you. I don't even know if I am capable of love." Ray grabbed his arm to prevent him from leaving. "I think you are. I don't know how to prove it to you. But I will do anything to prove to you how I feel. Hell, I'll even send you flowers if you want." "Thank you for the offer, Ray, but I don't need flowers," said Ben, smiling in spite of the seriousness of the discussion. "I believe you when you say you love me. I already know that you care very much for me. You have more than demonstrated that in the time that we have known each other. I admit I was surprised when you told me that your feelings had taken a romantic turn, but I don't think it's anything you would lie about." He shook his head. "If nothing else, Ray, I will always be your friend." Ray let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. His greatest worry hadn't been that Fraser wouldn't love him back; it had been that he would lose him completely. He needed the Mountie in his life, even if only as a friend. He rubbed his eyes, trying to stifle the tears that threatened. Fraser gently placed a hand on his shoulder. "Ray," said the Canadian. "Ray, please don't be upset with me." "I'm not, Ben. It was nothing. " "Ray, you're crying. That can't be because of 'nothing.' " This time it was Ray who pulled away, attempting to compose himself. But Fraser wouldn't let him. "Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray, look at me. Look at me. Please. I can't stand to see you in pain. Please, tell me what has you so upset." He pulled the other man in to his arms, holding him loosely but securely. Kowalski finally allowed the tears to escape. "I was afraid I would lose you, Fraser. It was like the time I hit you. I was afraid that you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, that you would leave me for good. I don't think I could bear that." He was sobbing now. Ben hugged his friend more tightly. "That will never happen, Ray," he said softly. "Never." He moved back slightly and looked in to Ray's face. Then he bent his head and kissed him softly on the lips. Ray responded enthusiastically to the kiss, then suddenly pulled away. "Uh, Fraser, don't take this the wrong way. I definitely like kissing you, but what the hell are you doing?" "I believe that I'm kissing you." "Okay, yeah, I can see that. But why now, all of a sudden, after ya just got through tellin' me you don't want me?" Fraser looked deep in to his partner's eyes. "I don't know, exactly, Ray. I do know that I hate to see you hurting. And I hate being the cause of your pain. I want to make you feel better. I want to take away everything that's ever hurt you. It isn't that I don't want to be with you. I do. I told you long ago that I find you very attractive. But I don't know if I can be what you want, what you need. You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who can love you in return. " The tears were threatening to come from his own eyes now. "I can't tell you it doesn't hurt to imagine you with someone else or to think of a life without you. But I am willing to give you up, if that is what is best for you. And I think it is." Ray stepped back, placed a hand on each of Fraser's shoulders, and returned the intense gaze that had been focussed on him. "Ben, I think you just told me that you love me." The Mountie blinked in surprise. "I don't understand, Ray. I just got through telling you that I don't know what love *is.* " The detective smiled, his eyes twinkling. "You just don't *recognize* it, Frase. Everything you've been tellin' me says that you love me. You want what's best for me, even if it means doin' what would hurt you. That's love, Fraser." This time he was the one who initiated the kiss. When they eventually came up for air, Fraser said, "I love you, Ray." A grin spread across Kowalski's face. "An' I love you, Fraser. Does this mean I don't haveta send you flowers?" The Canadian returned the grin. "I already told you that you didn't. Now, didn't you say something earlier about wanting me in your bed?" "Yeah, an' I also said something about makin' out like crazed weasels." "I'm afraid I have no idea how crazed weasels might make out. Would you settle for making out like crazed humans?" "For you, Fraser, anything." END