Sometimes Starbuck wondered what it might have been like to have a mother. He'd been so young when his parents were killed that he had no memory of them. His best friend, Apollo, had lost his mother in the Destruction, but at least Apollo had grown up with a mother. Apollo's son, Boxey, had lost his mother, but at least he'd been old enough when she died to have some memories of her. Starbuck didn't have any memories of his parents. There were plenty of orphans in the rag-tag fleet. It was almost surprising how many children had survived the Destruction. Many parents had sacrificed themselves trying to save their children. When the Galactica's people had been searching the ruins of the Colonies for survivors, they had found many children covered by the bodies of their dead parents, shielded by them from the explosions or falling debris. Sometimes Starbuck thought that perhaps he was lucky after all. Most of his friends and crewmates had lost parents, children and other family members in the Destruction. Starbuck hadn't had a family to lose. Unless you counted Ila. Siress Ila had been Apollo's mother, Adama's wife. Starbuck had often wondered if it had been lonely for her on Caprica when her husband and all three of her children were on the Galactica. If it had been, she'd never said anything about it. The one merciful thing about her death had been that she had died not knowing that her youngest son, Zac, had been killed by one of the Cylon fighters on its way to destroy Caprica. Ila and Adama had 'adopted' Starbuck practically the first time Apollo had brought him home from school. Apollo had been a quiet boy, but when Starbuck was around he'd come out of himself more. Adama was away a lot- after all, he was a warrior - so Ila had been the only parent in the house much of the time. There had been many times when Starbuck had hated to leave the Adama family home, and had missed his curfew at the orphanage because of it. Eventually, Ila had decided that Starbuck should live with them full-time. She and Adama filled the roles of parents for him in every way possible, including sponsoring his entrance into the Academy. They had considered adopting him, but his parents had been declared 'missing' and not legally dead. Because of that, Starbuck could not be legally adopted. Perhaps Ila and Adama had been thankful for this when Starbuck had become engaged to Athena. Maybe Ila's death had been part of the reason that Athena had broken off the engagement. The marriage wasn't meant to be, anyway. Starbuck and Athena were not in love. They were very fond of each other, and perhaps loved each other in some way. They'd practically grown up together, after all. It was another member of the family that Starbuck really loved, and he didn't know what to do about it. He was in love with Apollo, and had no idea what to do. He couldn't tell anyone about it: not his girlfriends, certainly, and not his male friends either, because they were also Apollo's friends. It was times like this that Starbuck wished he had a parent to turn to for advice. Commander Adama was very much like a father to him, and so was Chameleon, in his own way. Still, Starbuck didn't think that this was the kind of thing he wanted to talk to either of them about. A warrior like Adama might not have a positive view of men who loved other men, and Starbuck didn't think he knew Chameleon well enough yet to discuss this kind of thing with him. Somehow, though, he thought Ila would have understood. Lords, he missed her. He'd really felt that she loved him. No one had ever loved him in his life until she brought him into her family. And he loved her son, but he didn't know how Apollo felt about him. For now, Starbuck would continue to be Apollo's best friend. He and Apollo were also wingmates, and his love for the man made Starbuck even more fiercely protective of him when they were facing the Cylons. Speaking of which, it was about time for their patrol to end. He decided to suggest to his wingmate that they head back to the battlestar. They were almost back at the Galactica when the Cylons showed up. "Starbuck," Apollo ordered, "I'll lead them away from the fleet. You go and warn the Galactica." "Apollo, no!" Starbuck exclaimed. "I can't just leave you!" "That's an order, Starbuck." Starbuck tried to argue some more, but Apollo was determined. He flew off with the Cylons after him. Starbuck had no choice but to return to the Galactica. As soon as he was in range of the battlestar, Starbuck relayed the information about the Cylon attack so that a squadron could be scrambled to deal with it. Then he turned and went to look for both Apollo and his Cylon pursuers. Starbuck figured that some of the Cylons would have followed him as well as following Apollo, and he was right. He had to deal with his own pursuers before going after Apollo. It was quite some time before Starbuck was able to carry on with his search. He and his squadron mates had to take care of the Cylons first. Then he had to return to the Galactica to refuel. He was fortunate that Colonel Tigh was willing to let him go out and search for Apollo, but he was warned not to get too far away from the fleet. "If Apollo isn't nearby," Tigh told him, "it won't be any good to look for him, because you won't have enough fuel to make it back." Sure enough, before Starbuck had gone very far, a radio message from Omega told him that he was being ordered back to the Galactica. "I haven't found Apollo yet," Starbuck protested. Tigh got on the radio then. "Starbuck, I know that Apollo is your wingmate and your friend, but face the facts. The last time you saw him, he was being pursued by Cylons. If he hasn't come back by now, he's not coming back." Starbuck decided to play dumb. "Sorry, Colonel, I don't think I heard you properly." "Starbuck, Apollo is most likely dead. It won't do any good to look for him. You're just wasting fuel." "Afraid I can't hear you, Colonel. Must be something wrong with my radio." "Starbuck, return to the Galactica. NOW." "Colonel Tigh? Omega? I can't hear you. I must be out of range. Either that or my radio is malfunctioning. I'll let you know when I find Apollo. Starbuck out." Meanwhile.... Apollo groaned as he climbed out of his damaged Viper. He'd managed to escape from the Cylons, but not before his Viper had sustained heavy damage. He doubted the craft would be able to fly again, but he would give it a good going-over and see what the damage was. He supposed he should also try to figure out how damaged he himself was. It turned out that he was in better shape than his Viper. He had only minor injuries, but the Viper was in bad shape. It seemed he was stuck here, wherever 'here' was. The question was: would the Galactica send anyone to look for him, or was he presumed to be dead? After all, he'd had a few Cylons after him and the situation probably hadn't looked good to Starbuck. Starbuck. His wingmate hadn't wanted to leave him. He'd had to order him to do so. Would he ever see his friend again? Had Starbuck even survived? What if he hadn't? He and Starbuck had been friends since they were kids. Starbuck had been part of his life for many yahrens. He was just always *there.* They'd gone to the Academy together and somehow, thanks to Adama, probably, they'd both been assigned to the Galactica after graduation. He couldn't imagine a life without Starbuck. He had denied his feelings for a long time, but was beginning to finally admit to himself that his feelings for Starbuck were more than 'brotherly.' Now that he knew that, though, what could he do? Not that he could do much of anything stuck here on this barren piece of rock. He didn't even know if he'd landed on a planet or an asteroid. Apollo sat on the ground and leaned back against his Viper. "Gods, Starbuck," he murmured to himself. "If you're even alive, there's no way I can reach you. I'm probably trapped here for the rest of my natural life." He knew the Galactica wouldn't risk sending a patrol to try to find him. They probably thought he was dead anyway. He wondered how his family would hold up without him. They'd already suffered the losses of Ila, Zac and Serena. One of Apollo's biggest regrets, the one that made him saddest, was that he hadn't had a chance to speak to his mother before she died. He hadn't been able to say goodbye to her or tell her how much he loved her. Even before the Destruction he hadn't been able to spend much time talking to her. The life of a Colonial warrior had kept him too busy. He would have loved it if she could have met Serena and Boxey. He wished he could talk to her now. He wished he could tell her how he felt about Starbuck and ask her advice, gain her approval. That was when he heard the voice. "Apollo." Who could that be? He was quite certain he was alone here. Who could be speaking to him? "Apollo, listen to me." "Who's there?" he asked. He looked around frantically but couldn't see anyone. Yet the voice sounded oddly familiar. Not too far away.... Starbuck dozed in the cockpit of his Viper. His scanners were set for maximum range and he'd be notified if they picked up anything. The viper moved as slowly as possible in order to conserve fuel. It wouldn't be much use to find Apollo if he couldn't make it back to the fleet afterwards. He would know if Apollo was dead. He was quite certain of this. He had no way to prove this; it was just something that he felt. He would know. And he knew that Apollo wasn't dead. Now if he could just find him! "Starbuck." Where had *that* come from? "Starbuck, it's Ila." He had to be hallucinating. No way would Apollo's mother be speaking to him. She'd been gone for more than a yahren. Before the fleet had left the Colonies for good, he had gone with Apollo back to the ruins of their home on Caprica to say one last tearful goodbye to her. "Forget about that for now, Starbuck. Just listen to me. You have to find Apollo." It sure sounded like Ila. "Pardon me for asking this, Siress Ila, but aren't you...?" "Yes, Starbuck, I'm dead, and you know better than to call me 'Siress.' " Starbuck had to laugh. That most definitely did sound like Ila. "Yes, Ila" he answered the voice. Ila had told him to call her 'Mom' after he had moved in to her home. It had taken him quite a while to get used to the idea of calling her that. He'd still called her "Siress" for a long time. Eventually, they had compromised and he began to call her by her first name. "If you're dead, how is that you're talking to me?" "The Lords have granted me this chance to help both you and Apollo. He's still alive, Starbuck, and you have to find him." "I'm trying my best to do that, Ila, but I don't have any idea where to look." "I can help you there," Ila answered as she began to give him a set of coordinates. Back on the planet where he'd crashed, Apollo was trying to figure out the source of the voice he was hearing. "Who's there?" "Apollo, don't you recognize your own mother's voice?" "Mom?" Apollo decided he must have hit his head at some point during his crash-landing. There was no way he was hearing his mother's voice out here - wherever 'here' was. "Yes, Apollo, it's Mom. I know you're having trouble believing that it's me, but the Lords are allowing me to speak to you. I want you to know that you're not alone. I'll stay here with you until Starbuck finds you. He's quite determined to do so, too. Do you have any idea how much he loves you?" "Starbuck?" "Yes, Starbuck." "He's alive?" Apollo asked. "Very much so, and as stubborn as ever, I might add." Apollo fancied he could feel his mother feeling his forehead and stroking his hair. Well, if this was a hallucination, it was a nice one, and he didn't want to be rid of it just yet. "Thank God. I was so worried about him." "You love him too, don't you?" Ila asked. "How did you know?" Apollo asked. "I'm your mother. It's my job to know these things. It's also been quite obvious to anyone who cares to look." "Do you think Father knows?" Apollo asked fearfully. "I don't see how he couldn't. But don't worry - he and I discussed the possibility that you might prefer boys to girls a long time ago, when you and Starbuck were still teenagers. He's certainly concerned, but I don't think he'll disapprove." "What about you?" Apollo wanted to know. "I think it's wonderful. I've always hoped that you and Starbuck would stay together, as lovers or just as friends. I could always see how much he loved you, even when I thought his love for you was just the brotherly kind. I was so pleased when your father told me that Starbuck would be your wingmate. I knew he would look out for you." "He always does," Apollo murmured. Meanwhile, Starbuck was moving as quickly as he could toward the coordinates Ila had given him. He hoped he really would find Apollo there. He didn't know how 'real' this spirit was. It certainly seemed like Ila, but he had no way to be sure. Over the past few yahrens he and Apollo had met beings that were very good at playing with peoples' minds. "Are you still there, Ila?" he asked the empty space around him. "I'm here, Starbuck." 'There's been something I've wanted to ask you for quite a while." "Is it about Apollo?" Starbuck chuckled. "I guess you really do know me." "I know you well enough, Starbuck. You're just as much a son to me as Apollo and Zac." "Zac..." Starbuck still felt the loss of Zac quite strongly. He'd always felt guilty for trading patrols with Zac the day of the Destruction. "Zac is fine, Starbuck. He's with me and the Lords now. You don't need to worry about him. Now, what were you going to ask me?" "Do you know how I feel about Apollo?" "I know that you love him very much. I also know that he loves you the same way. And yes, I know that the way you two feel about each other isn't the same way brothers love each other." "Are you okay with that?" Starbuck asked. Apollo loved him? Apollo loved him the same way he loved Apollo? He definitely had to have a talk with his wingmate when he found him. "Starbuck, I am more than fine with it. I've always hoped that you and Apollo would stay together. I haven't always known if it would be as friends or as something more, but I'm very happy that you and he are so close. I know that you will keep each other safe." Starbuck saw that he was approaching a small planet or large asteroid. His scanners showed him that there was a life form on the surface - a human life form. He came in for a landing near Apollo's damaged Viper. As soon as he was out of the Viper and on the ground, he saw Apollo. His friend and wingmate ran to him and caught him in a hug. "Starbuck, thank the Lords it's you. I was so worried." "You had me worried for awhile there, too, pal," Starbuck answered. "How did you find me? Did the Galactica send you?" Apollo asked. "No, they didn't want me roaming around out here using up fuel trying to find you. I kind of disobeyed orders to keep looking for you. It was only thanks to your mother that I was able to locate you before I ran out of fuel." "My mother?" "I know how bizarre it sounds, Apollo, but I swear she spoke to me." "She spoke to me, too. She told me you would find me." "She told me where to find you," Starbuck informed him. "It's about time," came Ila's voice. The two men looked at each other. "There she is," Apollo commented. They saw her then - not a solid form, more like a hologram. But it was definitely Ila. "I'm so glad that the two of you are together," she said. "I love you, Mom," Apollo said with tears in his eyes. "I love you, too - Mom," Starbuck added. Ila smiled as she faded away. "I love you both. Take care of each other." The two warriors looked at each other for a long moment. Apollo finally broke the silence. "I think we have some things to talk about when we get back to the Galactica." "I think we do too, but first we have to figure out how to get there. I don't know if my Viper has enough fuel to make it." "There's still fuel in my Viper," Apollo told him. "If we put it in yours, we should have enough fuel to make it home." "Home," muttered Starbuck. "A hulk of metal and concrete in the middle of nowhere. Some home." "Home is what you make it," Apollo told him. "For me, home is the people I love." "Does that include me?" Starbuck asked a bit shyly. "That most definitely includes you," Apollo answered. Starbuck smiled. "I think that for me, home is wherever you are." The two kissed then, carefully, tentatively. They broke apart with a sigh. "I think we definitely need to talk," Apollo stated. "When we get back to the Galactica," Starbuck agreed. "Let's get the fuel transferred to my Viper." Then he added, "And, Pol.... I love you." Apollo grinned. "I love you too, Star." Several sectares later..... Apollo sat nervously waiting for Starbuck to return to their quarters. He had something very important to ask his lover. "Hey, Pol," Starbuck said as he came in, greeting his life mate with a kiss. "How was your day?" "Star, can you sit down for a few centons? I need to talk to you about something." Curious, Starbuck sat on the long seat and waited expectantly for Apollo to start. The Captain pulled a small package from its hiding place under a cushion. "When we visited that market in Ankh last secton, I picked up something." He handed the box to Starbuck, who opened it. Inside were two rings of mixed gold and silver. "Pol? What are these for?" "I know that we haven't really discussed the future. You might not be ready to settle down. I don't even know if you want to stick to one person. Two men can't be Sealed, but I hope that maybe if one day you decide that I'm the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, that you would wear one of these rings. You don't have to decide now." Starbuck smiled and shook his head. He removed a ring from the box and handed it to his lover. "Put it on me, Pol." "You're sure?" "More sure than I've ever been of anything." So Apollo placed the ring on Starbuck's finger, and Starbuck did the same for Apollo. The two lovers and life partners sealed their promise with a kiss. "I wish my mother could see us," Apollo sighed. "I think she can," Starbuck answered. And he realized then that he really did know what it was like to have a mother. END