I've been trying for hours just to think of what exactly to say I thought I'd leave you with a letter or a fiery speech Like when an actor makes an exit at the end of a play And I've been dying for hours trying to fill up all the holes with some sense I'd like to know why you gave up and why you threw it away I'd like to give you all the reasons and what everything meant Well I could tell you good-bye or maybe see you around With just a touch of a sarcastic thanks We started out with a bang and at the top of the world Now the guns are exhausted and the bullets are blanks And everything's blank If I could only find the words then I would write it all down If I could only find a voice I would speak Oh it's there in my eyes oh can't you see me tonight C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep If I could only find the words then I would write it all down If I could only find a voice I would speak Oh it's there in my eyes oh can't you see me tonight C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep I've been whispering softly trying to build a cry up into a scream We let the past slip away and put the future on hold Now the present is nothing but a hollowed out dream I've been dreaming forever hoping something would eventually come I saw your eyes in the dark I felt your kiss on my lips I traced your body in the air until the bodies were numb Well I could tell you good-bye or maybe see you around With just a touch of a sarcastic thanks But now the rooms are all empty, the candles are dark The guns are exhausted, and the bullets are blanks And everything's blank If I could only find the words then I would write it all down If I could only find a voice I would speak Oh it's there in my eyes oh can't you see me tonight C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep It's there in my eyes and coming straight from my heart It's running silent and angry and deep It's there in my eyes and it's all I can say C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep (Read 'em and weep) For all the hours we'll be spending alone (Read 'em and weep) For the dreams we'll ignore (Running silent and deep) And all those promises we promised to keep, They won t be kept anymore (Read 'em and weep) For the magic that our bodies had made (Read 'em and weep) For the blood that we've lost (Running silent and deep) And all those secrets that we somehow betrayed For whatever the cost (Read 'em and weep ) For the memories still alive in the bed (Read 'em and weep) For the lies we believed (Running silent and deep) And all the things that will have never been said C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep Come on and look at me and read 'em...... But it's there in my eyes It's coming straight from my heart It's running silent and angry and deep It's there in my eyes It's all I can say C'mon and look at me and read em and weep. --"Read 'Em And Weep" by Barry Manilow ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "Read 'em and weep," Starbuck announced as he spread the cards on the table. His fellow Pyramid players threw down their own cards in disgust. How did Starbuck do it? No one had ever caught him cheating, but he had the most amazing luck when it came to winning card games. The Lieutenant gathered up his winnings with a grin. "Well guys, it's been fun, but it's time I went home," he said cheerfully. "Let's do this again real soon. I can always use the extra money." "We never see you any more, Bucko," Sgt. Jolly complained. "You only come around for card games these days." "Well, these are the Bachelor Officers' Quarters," Starbuck reminded them. "And I'm no longer a bachelor." And with a wave, he was gone. "Married life seems to agree with him," Jolly commented to Boomer. "He and Apollo aren't married," Boomer reminded his friend. "They just share quarters." "That's pretty much the same thing, isn't it? " Jolly asked. "They're practically joined at the hip. What difference do a ceremony and some paperwork make?" "They make a lot of difference," was the other warrior's answer. "When two people are married, it means permanence. One of them can't just pick up and leave. When all they do is share quarters, one of them can get out at any time. Knowing Bucko, 'marriage' to him probably means 'trap.'" "Well, if he feels like that, why did he ever agree to share quarters with Apollo in the first place?" "Because he loves him, of course," Boomer answered. "Isn't it obvious?" But if it was obvious to Boomer and Jolly that Starbuck loved Apollo, it wasn't obvious to Apollo. When he'd asked Starbuck to share his quarters with him, he'd hoped it would be a permanent arrangement. They'd been lovers for close to half a yahren when he asked, and while neither of them had actually come right out and said they loved the other, things were going well for them, and Apollo hated it when Starbuck left his bed to return to the Bachelor Officers' Quarters. He'd assumed that Starbuck would say that he loved him eventually. He loved Starbuck, of course, but he'd never actually said it, afraid that he would scare him off if he did so. He'd wait for Starbuck to say it first. But they had been lovers for an entire yahren now, and still Starbuck had never said anything. He was beginning to wonder if Starbuck really did love him. Starbuck had always been able to separate love and sex. He, Apollo, had never been very good at that. He wondered if he would be able to continue to live with Starbuck, be lovers with Starbuck, if his love wasn't returned. Maybe he should end things before they went any further. Cut his losses, to use a gambling term. It would hurt - it would hurt like hell - but the longer he waited, the more it would hurt. Starbuck, meanwhile, was heading back to his and Apollo's quarters with his winnings in his pocket. He was, in general, happy. He and Apollo had been lovers for close to a yahren, and he was thinking of planning something to mark their anniversary. His only sorrow was that Apollo didn't love him. Many times he'd come close to just blurting out, "I love you, Apollo," but something always held him back. That something was fear. He was afraid of what he would hear in response. Apollo would let him down easily, of course, but he would let him down. Sometimes he wondered why Apollo kept him around if he didn't love him. Maybe it was because their relationship was comfortable. They were used to each other. They'd been friends for many yahrens before they'd become lovers. He wished he was better at the whole 'talking' thing. He wished he could tell Apollo how much he meant to him. Tell him how much he loved him. But that fear still got in his way. He wished Apollo could tell how he felt just by looking into his eyes. Apollo paced around his quarters. He didn't want to be here when Starbuck got back. He needed to get away for awhile, needed time to think. Luckily Boxey was having a sleep over with a friend from school so he didn't have to worry about having someone there to keep an eye on him. The agro ships with their plants and trees made good places to think. He headed out. When Starbuck arrived in the quarters he and Apollo shared, he was mildly surprised to see that Apollo wasn't there. It didn't worry him, though - Apollo often got called to the bridge to talk to his father or Colonel Tigh. He decided to prepare a small surprise for his lover. He straightened up their quarters, then put on some music and lit some candles. A romantic setting indeed, he thought appreciatively. Apollo returned a couple of centares later, reluctantly having come to a decision. He saw the romantic atmosphere Starbuck had created and almost changed his mind. He knew that Starbuck would have been waiting for him patiently, and he loved him for it. But he couldn't change his mind. No, he had to do this now, or he might never do it. And he had to. Starbuck didn't love him, and he couldn't live with him any more. He'd been trying for the last few centares to come up with what exactly to say to Starbuck. He wished he could have left him a letter so that he didn't have to confront him in person, or make some sort of fiery speech the way an actor might at the end of a play. Starbuck greeted him with a smile and a hug. "About time you got here," he said, but there was no accusation in his voice. He waved his hand at the now burned-out candles. "Afraid the candles have gone out." "That's all right," Apollo answered. "I ... I need to talk to you, Starbuck." Seeing the look on his lover's face, Starbuck was instantly concerned. "What is it?" he asked. Apollo sat down on the edge of the bed. "I can't do this any more," he whispered. "Do what?" Starbuck asked, sitting down beside him. "This relationship. I can't do it any more." "What - what are you talking about?" Starbuck sounded stricken, and Apollo hated himself. "You must have known we couldn't do this forever. We're just too different. It won't work." "I thought ... I thought that when we moved in together, it meant that we were making a commitment, that we would be together for the long haul," Starbuck protested. Apollo shook his head. "I was wrong. I'm sorry, Starbuck. I never meant to hurt you." Starbuck stood and began to gather his things. "Well, you did hurt me, Apollo," he fired back. Then, his voice a bit gentler, he said, "I'm sorry too." He finished gathering his possessions and walked out the door of Apollo's quarters. He wished that he was better at making exits. He could have told Apollo "goodbye" or maybe "see you around," with just a touch of a sarcastic, "thanks." Instead, he simply walked out the door, leaving behind the romantic setting he'd taken so much care to create. The rooms might as well have been empty. He wondered what Apollo would tell Boxey when the boy got home the next morning. He sat on a bunk in the Bachelor Officers' Quarters while his friends carefully tiptoed around him, throwing occasional worried glances his way. As reality settled in, he realized that he hadn't really asked Apollo for an explanation. "It won't work" and "we're too different" didn't cut it. Their differences hadn't stopped them from becoming friends. It hadn't prevented them from being lovers for close to a yahren. Why were they becoming an issue now? He'd been crying quietly for the last few centares, wondering why he couldn't build his cry into anything stronger or louder. The other warriors knew, or assumed they knew, what had happened. They wouldn't care if he screamed. They'd pretend not to notice. He'd even gone into a private turboflush to see if he could vent properly on his own, but nothing came. Apollo, in his quarters, was also crying. He'd tried to sleep, but when he did he saw Starbuck's eyes, felt his kiss on his lips, remembered tracing Starbuck's body in the dark, remembered the times they hadn't been able to stop touching each other until their bodies were numb. He could still feel the memories they had made in that bed. Somehow their past had slipped away on them, and they hadn't made any plans for the future. He'd put off making any plans until he was certain of Starbuck's feelings for him. He'd believed they'd have plenty of time to make plans for the future, and now that future was gone. Now the present was nothing but a hollowed-out dream. The two men, alone in their separate quarters, wept for what they had lost. All the centares they would be spending alone. The dreams they would ignore. All those promises they had promised to keep that wouldn't be kept. For the magic that their bodies had made. All those secrets they had somehow betrayed, for whatever the cost. For the lies they had told themselves, and believed. And all the things that would never be said. Like "I love you." The next secton or so went by in a blur. The days were blank. Everything was blank. Sort of like the practise charges that they used on the firing range. They looked real, but they weren't. Sort of like their relationship. Starbuck had expected that he would be transferred out of Blue squadron, and was surprised to discover that he hadn't been. Apollo wouldn't look at him during briefings, and never spoke to him unless it was absolutely necessary, and then only to give him orders. There was no communication between the two warriors outside of duty. Starbuck had considered writing Apollo a letter, if he could only find the words to say what he wanted to say. He wanted to know why Apollo had given up and thrown everything away. He wanted to know the reasons, and what their relationship had meant to him. If he could only find the words, he would write it down. If he could find his voice when he was with Apollo, he'd ask him. But he couldn't find the right words, either in writing or in speaking. He wished Apollo could just look in his eyes, read them like he'd read a letter. Read 'em and weep, as the saying went. Finally, Starbuck came to a decision. He stayed behind after briefing, waiting until all the other warriors had left. Then he confronted Apollo. "Something I can do for you, Lieutenant?" Apollo asked, refusing to look at him. "I wondered if I could see you tonight," Starbuck stated. "What for?" Apollo wanted to know. "I want an explanation." "An explanation?" "I want to know why you gave up on us! I want to know why you threw our relationship away." "I already told you," Apollo answered, still avoiding his gaze. "What do you want from me?" Starbuck grabbed his Captain and turned him so that they were facing each other. "Look at me," he said."It's there in my eyes. It's all I can say." Apollo could tell that Starbuck had some powerful feelings bottled up inside. Everything was there just underneath the surface, running silent and angry and deep. He lifted his head and looked into Starbuck's eyes. And, to his astonishment, he saw the love there that he had looked for, for such a long time. He read everything that Starbuck hadn't been able to tell him. "Can't you see me tonight, for one last time?" Starbuck asked. "So that we can end things properly?" "Do you really want to end things?" Apollo asked quietly. "No. Do you?" "No," Apollo answered. "I don't." "Then will you see me tonight?" "Why wait until tonight? Let's go to my quarters - our quarters - and talk now." *Their* quarters? Starbuck wondered as he followed the other man. When they were inside, Apollo opened his arms and enveloped Starbuck in an embrace. Starbuck stood stiffly, wanting to return the embrace but not certain what Apollo wanted. Apollo drew back from the embrace when Starbuck didn't return it. He knew that he had hurt the one that he loved, hurt him greatly. He just didn't understand why Starbuck had never said that he loved him. "Starbuck, do you love me?" he asked. This was not a question that Starbuck wanted to answer, but he had nothing to lose. He'd already lost Apollo, and that had hurt more than anything else possibly could. "More than anything," he answered. "But why didn't you ever say it?" Apollo demanded. "Because you don't love me," Starbuck replied. "I knew that if I told you, you would just say that you don't love me, and I didn't want to hear it." "What makes you think I don't love you?" "You've never said that you do. I thought that when you asked me to share quarters with you, that you would say that you wanted me to share your quarters because you loved me, but you didn't say it. Then I thought that maybe you asked me to share quarters because you don't want to get married - and you don't want to get married because you don't love me." "Starbuck," Apollo sighed. "I do love you. I never said it because I thought it would scare you away. I asked you to share quarters rather than get married because I didn't want you to feel trapped." Starbuck looked into Apollo's eyes and what he saw there almost made him weep. There were tears there as he told Starbuck he loved him for the first time. This time he was the one who initiated the embrace. "I think that it's a good thing neither of us tried to take up mind reading as a career," he joked. "Lords, Apollo, I'm sorry I never told you how I feel. I tried to show you, but obviously it wasn't enough." "The candles and the music that you had waiting for me that night almost made me change my mind," Apollo admitted. "I should have realized then that you only did those things for me because you love me. And I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I never said that I love you, because I do. I love you more than life. You *are* my life." Starbuck realized that he hadn't said the actual words yet. He kissed Apollo gently then stepped back so that he could look in to his lover's eyes. "I love you, Apollo. Will you marry me?" Stunned, Apollo asked, "Are you sure?" "I am more sure than I have been about anything before in my life. I love you and I want to marry you. I want us to be together permanently." "Then yes, I will marry you." The two lovers kissed, and continued kissing as they moved to the bed. They undressed each other quickly. They made love to each other as if they'd been apart for yahrens rather than only a few days. When they looked into each others' eyes and saw the love that had been hidden for so long, they wept. But their tears were tears of happiness. END