Apollo sat in the lounge on the Rising Star and watched Starbuck chatting
up a woman at a nearby table. At times like this he tried to remind
himself that no matter who Starbuck chatted to or drank with, it was
Apollo he would go home with, and Apollo's bed he would sleep in.  *Their*
bed, the Captain mentally chastised himself. So really, he didn't have
anything to worry about. But still, it bothered him sometimes when
Starbuck was so friendly to other people, especially women. The two of
them hadn't been lovers for very long - only a few sectons.  Sometimes
Apollo wondered if Starbuck would want to go back to dating women again
one day.  As far as he knew, he was Starbuck's first male lover. They'd
confessed their feelings for each other after both warriors had been
haunted by nightmares about the other. Starbuck's dreams had been about
Apollo's death at the hands of Count Iblis, and Apollo's had been about
the time Starbuck had gone missing after being captured by the Cylons. 

Starbuck left his new friend and returned to Apollo. "Who was that?"
Apollo asked, hoping that he didn't sound as jealous as he felt. 

"Her name's Chelle," the Lieutenant answered. "She's Cullen's sister." 

"Cullen from the Academy?" 

"Yeah, you remember him? A member of the best Triad team that ever lived,
except for you and me of course." Starbuck sighed. "He was on the
Atlantia." Both of them knew what that meant - Cullen hadn't survived the
Destruction. 

"So the two of you were what, reminiscing?"

"I guess you could call it that. Cullen was at the Academy or away on the
Atlantia for most of the last few yahrens before the Destruction, and
Chelle feels like she missed a lot of his life. I was telling her what I
remember about him. Maybe you could talk to her too," Starbuck suggested. 

"I didn't know him that well," Apollo demurred. He noticed that Starbuck
had taken his hand.  The other man did that sometimes: reached over and
took his hand or put an arm around his shoulders when they were together
in public. It was almost as if he were saying, 'This man is *mine*.' At
first the public displays of affection had made him slightly
uncomfortable, but he had soon realized that Starbuck did it because he
loved him. The very fact that Starbuck returned his love still amazed
Apollo sometimes. "What did you tell her about him?" 

"I told her that her brother was a hero. After all, he was a Warrior, and
aren't all Warriors heros?  Chelle's a cadet herself." 

"Sounds like you got to know her pretty well," Apollo observed, hating the
tone of disapproval that he could hear creeping into his voice. 

"You're jealous," Starbuck noted. He didn't sound upset; he simply stated
the obvious. 

"No I'm not," his lover replied, embarrassed.

Starbuck smiled. "Pol," he said tolerantly, "I love you. Only you. I'm not
chasing any women, no matter how pretty they are." 

Apollo leaned forward and kissed him. "I know. I love you, too."

"Boxey's with Athena tonight, right? Let's go back to our quarters and
I'll show you just how much I love you," Starbuck proposed. 

The Captain jumped up and followed his lover.

A few days later, Starbuck and Apollo were just finishing up on the Triad
court when they saw a familiar figure watching them. "That's Cadet Chelle,
isn't it?" Apollo asked his partner. 

"Yeah, I told her I'd meet her for a drink after we were done practice for
today." 

"You're having a drink with her?" Apollo was surprised. "Why?"

"Why not?" Starbuck asked rhetorically. "She's a nice girl, and I was
friends with her brother." 

"No reason," Apollo answered quickly. "Just wondered. She probably has a
crush on you." 

"A crush on me?" Starbuck laughed.

"Yes, a crush on you. After all, you're a great warrior and a very
attractive man." 

Starbuck kissed him. "And I'm all yours, Pol. Don't you forget it."

Another few days later...

"Where were you?" Apollo demanded as his lover came through the door of
their quarters. 

Starbuck looked at the time. "Frack," he swore. "I'm sorry, Pol. I didn't
mean to be late. I got caught up in a Pyramid game with Bojay. I was
showing him my latest system." 

"Is that all you were showing him?" Apollo asked.

"Huh?" Starbuck was surprised at the coldness in Apollo's tone. "What the
frack are you talking about, Pol?" 

"You're pretty friendly with Bojay, aren't you?" 

"Sure I'm friendly with him. We were friends when he was still part of our
squadron, before he got transferred to the Pegasus." 

"Were you sleeping with him back then, too?" Apollo wanted to know.

"Sleeping with Bojay? I didn't sleep with him then and I'm not sleeping
with him now. Where did all this come from?" 

"I'm sorry, Star. I don't know what's got into me. I just love you so
much. I couldn't stand it if I lost you." 

Starbuck took Apollo into his arms. "I love you, Apollo. The only way you
could lose me would be if you sent me away. I'm not going to leave you,
not voluntarily. I don't want anyone but you.  Understand?" 

"I understand. I love you, Star. Will you come to bed with me? I want to
be close to you." 

"Weren't we supposed to meet Boomer and his new lady for dinner?"

"I'll cancel it. I just want to be with you right now," Apollo told him. 

He was still feeling a bit troubled by Apollo's behaviour, but Starbuck
followed his lover to bed.  Maybe in bed he could reassure Apollo of his
love and fidelity. It couldn't hurt to try. 

Later, when they were lying spent in bed, Starbuck reluctantly brought up
the subject that was on his mind. "Pol?" 

"Mmm?"

"We need to talk."

"About what?" Apollo wanted to know.

"This jealousy, this possessiveness. I don't understand where it's coming
from." 

This was the last thing Apollo wanted to discuss, but he knew he owed
Starbuck an explanation.  He sighed. "Look, Star, you have to realize that
you do carry a bit of a reputation. You know how you were with Athena and
Cassie, not to mention all the women you went through before them. When I
see you with a woman, or another man, I start wondering if you're going to
start something with them. Maybe I'm being unrealistic to expect you to
confine yourself to one person." 

"I'll admit that I do have that reputation," Starbuck answered him. "But
like I told you when we first got together, I was never in love before. I
wasn't in love with any of those women. The reason I played around so much
was that I knew there was something I was missing, and I kept trying to
find it. I found it with you, Pol. I don't need anyone else." He frowned.
"It really hurts that you don't trust me." 

"I'm sorry, love. The last thing I want is to hurt you. I guess I just
need some time to get used to the idea that you really want me and no one
else." 

Starbuck hoped that he didn't need too much time. He didn't know how much
longer he'd be able to tolerate his mate's behaviour. 

For the next few days Apollo tried to control his jealousy, but every time
he saw Starbuck look or smile at someone, the old feelings returned. The
doubts refused to go away. How could Starbuck want him, Apollo, when there
were so many other attractive men and women to choose from? Surely the
Lieutenant didn't want to be tied down with a child. Starbuck had always
been good to Boxey, but he'd never actually had to live with him or be his
parent.

Things finally came to a head one night when Starbuck announced, "Hey,
Pol, I told Chelle that I'd help her with some simulator exercises
tonight. We'll probably grab dinner after we're through, so don't bother
keeping anything warm for me." 

"You're going out with Chelle?" Apollo asked suspiciously.

"Going out? No, we're just running some simulator exercises. We might grab
something to eat afterwards.  It's not like it's a date or anything." 

"It's not?" Apollo still sounded suspicious.

"Pol, I am getting very tired of having to reassure you that I'm not
sneaking around behind your back." 

"No, you're not sneaking around behind my back. You're being very open
about your relationship with this new 'friend' of yours, and I don't like
it." 

Starbuck mentally counted to ten before he replied. "I'm sorry that you
don't like it, but she asked for my help and I'm giving it to her. If it
makes you feel any better, I won't have dinner with her." 

"If you want to make me feel better, you won't see her at all."

"That's not an option, Pol."

"This is your option. Either you go out and spend time with your pretty
little girlfriend, or you stay home with me and Boxey. Your choice." 

"So what you're saying is, if I go and help Chelle with her simulator
runs, I shouldn't bother coming back?" 

"What I'm saying is that if you walk out that door, you'd better take your
things with you because I'm not letting you back in." 

"That's it, is it? That's your ultimatum?" Starbuck asked sadly.

"Take it or leave it," Apollo told him.

"Fine," Starbuck muttered. He went to the bedroom and removed the few
things he'd brought with him when he'd moved in. "I'm sorry it has to end
this way, Pol. For what it's worth, I still love you. I always will." He
walked out the door and out of Apollo's life. 

Apollo managed to stay angry for a few centares after Starbuck left. Boxey
arrived home after spending some time with one of his school friends, and
the first thing he asked was, "Where's Starbuck?" That was when Apollo
realized that his lover wasn't coming back. 

"Starbuck left, Boxey."

"When's he coming back?"

"He's not coming back," Apollo told his son.

"Why not?" Boxey wanted to know.

"I told him not to."

"Why did you tell him not to come back?"

"I was mad at him."

"So go find him and tell him you're sorry and you want him to come back,"
Boxey suggested. 

"I can't do that, Boxey."

"Why not? If I get mad at my friends and say mean things to them, you
always tell me I should get over it and say I'm sorry." 

"It's a grownup thing. You wouldn't understand."

"Grownups are weird," Boxey told Muffit as he went to his room to do his
homework. 

Apollo and Starbuck managed to avoid each other for the next several days.
They switched patrols with other squadron members so that they didn't have
to fly together. They avoided any social events that they thought the
other might attend. 

They were both completely miserable.

For his part, Apollo wondered if he'd reacted too harshly. He hadn't had
any proof that Starbuck was cheating on him with Chelle or anyone else. He
began to fear that he was becoming irrational. All he could think of was
that he wasn't good enough for his friend and he didn't deserve his love. 

A few days after the breakup, the dreams began again.

The dreams were different than they had been before. Starbuck's dream
started out the same:  Apollo was killed by Count Iblis. However, Apollo
was resurrected the way he had been in real life, but for some reason
Starbuck couldn't reach him. He kept calling his wingmate's name, but
Apollo didn't answer. Instead, he turned and walked away, never to return.
In Apollo's dream, he was the one who sent Starbuck on the deadly patrol.
He told him that Serena was his new wingmate and that he didn't want to be
friends anymore. He then used his rank as Captain to force Starbuck to go
out and face the Cylons alone, a mission from which the Lieutenant didn't
come back. 

Each of them woke from these dreams calling the other's name.

After several nights of this, as well as several days of avoiding any
contact with his former wingmate and best friend, Apollo was more
convinced than ever that he'd made the biggest mistake of his life. But he
didn't know how to undo it. Surely Starbuck wouldn't take him back after
the way he'd acted. And even if he did, how could he prevent it from
happening again?  How long before his jealousy drove them apart again? 

In the Bachelor Officers' Quarters, Starbuck's fellow Warriors were almost
at their wits' end.  Every sleep period Starbuck would have his dreams,
and he would start calling out Apollo's name. He usually succeeded in
waking up several of the others when he did so. They would try to wake him
before he got to the stage at which he started to call for Apollo, but
couldn't, no matter how hard they tried. 

One night after this had been going on for a couple of sectons, Apollo had
the dream again as usual, but this time instead of waking up in his
quarters, he opened his eyes to discover he was on one of the Light ships. 

"Welcome, Captain Apollo," one of the beings of Light greeted him.

"What am I doing here?" Apollo asked slightly fearfully. The last time
he'd been here, he'd been dead. 

"We thought you might need our help," the being replied.

"Your help with what?"

"With Starbuck. We saw that you and he were having trouble. We sent you
the dreams before to try to bring the two of you together, but they don't
seem to be working this time." 

"We suspect there's been some outside interference," another one added. 

"Interference?" Apollo asked in confusion. This was getting too bizarre
for his liking. 

"There are others like us who work for the Dark," the first Light being
told Apollo. "One of them has been influencing you against your will. That
would be why you've been having these irrational fits of jealousy." 

"Beings like you who work for the Dark..." Apollo thought for a moment.
"You mean like Iblis?" 

"Yes, like Iblis. We've put a stop to his interference. He won't bother
you or your friend again." 

"Does this mean that Starbuck and I can get back together?" Apollo asked
hopefully. 

"That is up to you," one of the Light beings told him. "You sent him away.
You must get him back." 

"You must be vigilant, though, Apollo. Just because we have successfully
defeated one of the Dark agents does not mean you will be free of them
entirely. But you can always call on us for help." 

"I don't even know who you are," Apollo complained.

"We are the Lords of Kobol," answered one of the Light beings. 

Before Apollo could say anything in response, the lights began to swirl
around him and everything went dark. He awoke in his quarters to the sound
of the door signal being pressed repeatedly. 

Opening the door, he discovered Boomer standing there. "Listen, Apollo,
you have to get your astrum down to the BOQ on the double. Starbuck needs
you. I'll stay here with Boxey until you get back. Don't argue," he added
when Apollo opened his mouth. "Starbuck needs you, and I'm willing to bet
that you need him too. Now put some clothes on and go." 

Seeing that Boomer wasn't about to accept anything less than complete
obedience, Apollo didn't argue. He pulled on his clothes and hurried to
the BOQ. He didn't know what Starbuck needed him for, but hopefully he'd
find out when he got there. Maybe he could talk to his former mate, that
was if Starbuck was actually willing to talk to him. He wouldn't blame the
other man if he never wanted to speak to him again. 

When he arrived at the Bachelor Officers Quarters, a group of tired and
worried warriors was waiting for him. "What's the problem?" Apollo asked. 

"Starbuck keeps calling for you in his sleep," Giles explained. "He's
keeping the rest of us awake, and we're getting kind of worried about
him." 

Apollo went and sat beside Starbuck's bed and waited. Soon enough, the
Lieutenant started to call out his name. He shook the blond man gently.
"Starbuck, wake up. I'm right here. Come on Buddy, wake up for me." 

Starbuck opened his eyes to see Apollo sitting beside him. He decided that
he must still be dreaming; Apollo wouldn't be here otherwise. 

"Were you having another nightmare, love?" Apollo asked gently. He
mentally kicked himself for using the term of endearment. It had slipped
out before he'd realized it. 

Starbuck didn't dare say anything. He was afraid if he tried to speak he'd
wake up and Apollo would be gone. Finally, he settled for a nod. 

Why didn't Starbuck talk to him? Apollo wondered. Was he still half
asleep? Had the dream frightened him so much he couldn't talk? "The other
guys heard you calling for me," Apollo told Starbuck. "I think you're
keeping them awake." He badly wanted to touch Starbuck but didn't know how
he would react if he did. 

Starbuck wondered what would happen if he tried to touch this 'dream
Apollo.' Would he disappear like he had in all of the other dreams? He
wanted to touch him so badly. Finally he reached out and tentatively lay
his hand on top of Apollo's. So far, so good. Apollo was still here. 

Feeling Starbuck's hand on his, he entwined their fingers together. "I
don't know why you're not saying anything, Star, but maybe this will give
me a chance to say some things. I want to tell you how sorry I am for the
way I've been acting. I let all of my fears and insecurities get in the
way of what's important - my love for you. The light ships came back,
Star. I was on one. The Lords of Kobol are on that ship, love. They told
me that Iblis - or someone who's like Iblis, who serves the Dark - has
been interfering in our relationship. Somehow he managed to find all the
nasty things that were lurking in the corners of my mind and brought them
all out. I won't say that I wouldn't have had those fears anyway, but
maybe I wouldn't have taken all of them out on you. I don't know if you
can ever forgive me, Star. I treated you like felgercarb and you didn't
deserve any of it. I am so sorry. Is there any chance of our getting back
together?" 

/I wish this wasn't a dream/ Starbuck thought to himself. /If only Apollo
was really here and really saying those things./ He was very sleepy. His
eyelids began to droop. 

Apollo could see that Starbuck was starting to fall back asleep, but he
hadn't let go of Apollo's hand. Maybe he could just stay there while the
one he loved slept. Maybe his being there would keep the bad dreams away.
Starbuck looked so vulnerable when he was asleep. Apollo loved to watch
him when he was like that. Impulsively, he leaned forward and kissed him. 

Starbuck's eyes flew open. To his surprise, Apollo was right there, still
leaning over him. This couldn't be a dream. All the stories said that a
kiss made sleeping people wake up, and he was quite certain he was awake
now. And yet Apollo was still there. "Apollo?" he whispered. 

"I'm right here, love. I'm sorry, I shouldn't call you that. I don't have
that right anymore." 

"Did you really say all those things about being sorry for the way you
treated me and wanting us to be together again?" Starbuck asked. He was so
afraid it had all been a dream. 

"I did," Apollo answered. "I know I don't have any right to ask you any of
that. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted me out of your life for good. I
wish I could change the past, but I can't. All I can do is promise you
that if you give me a chance, I'll do my best to make up for everything I
put you through. I still love you, Star. I will always love you." 

In response, Starbuck wrapped his arms around Apollo's neck, hauled him
down to the bed and kissed him hard. "It wasn't a dream," he murmured.
"You're really here. I love you, Pol. I love you so much." 

"Will you come home?" Apollo asked hopefully.

Starbuck didn't say a word. He simply got out of bed, dressed and gathered
his things. 

When Apollo and Starbuck arrived at their quarters, Boomer got up from the
couch. "Good," he said when he saw them together. "Now maybe I can get
some sleep." As he walked out the door, he added, "Although I get the
feeling that the two of you won't be getting much sleep tonight." 

END