All That Matters
--------------------

Apollo watched as Starbuck headed off to the Bachelor Officer's Quarters
after their patrol was finished. His wingman would probably get into a
game of pyramid with some of the other pilots.  Apollo would return to his
own quarters, alone. Not so long ago he would have invited Starbuck to
come back with him, to visit Boxey, maybe have a bite to eat. They'd sit
and swap stories and Starbuck would perform card tricks to entertain
Boxey.  Just stuff that friends did. 

But lately, it seemed as if Starbuck was avoiding him. Not that he was
terribly surprised, after what had happened just a few nights ago. They'd
been 'celebrating' with some cadets who'd just passed their flight
training, and both of them had been more than a little drunk. And when
they got back to Apollo's quarters, Starbuck had followed him inside, not
needing an invitation. He never did. But somehow that night was different.
Starbuck had suddenly become serious. And then he'd just blurted it out:
"Apollo, I love you." 

"I love you too, Bucko," he'd answered. "You're my best friend. You're
like a brother to me." 

However, that was not the type of love that Starbuck meant. Starbuck was
*in love * with him.

While he was surprised at his friend's declaration at first, thinking
about it, it made sense. He'd suspected for quite awhile that the
Lieutenant swung both ways. He'd attracted his fair share of attention
from both the male *and* female cadets at the Academy. He didn't know if
the attention had been reciprocated on Starbuck's part, and his friend
hadn't seen fit to tell him. He'd supposed it wasn't any of his business.
But the signs had been there, most noticeably when Apollo had announced he
was going to marry Serena - Starbuck had come right out and admitted to
being jealous. 

Starbuck was in love with him. He'd stammered out something - his brain
was rather foggy on the details - about loving Starbuck *like a brother*
and that it didn't bother him that Starbuck liked men, but that he just
didn't love Starbuck in that way.

Starbuck had just smiled sadly, claimed that he understood, and had left
quickly after assuring Apollo that he would always be his friend, that
things didn't have to change between them. 

But things had changed. After patrol, Starbuck didn't stick around. The
usual joking around that they did seemed stilted and forced. Boxey had
asked why Starbuck wasn't coming to visit anymore. Apollo was afraid that
he had hurt his friend badly, perhaps irrevocably - but he didn't know
what to do about it. 

Could he love Starbuck as more than just his best friend, in more than a
brotherly way? He had never really thought about it before. He hadn't been
with anyone in a romantic way since Serena's death. He hadn't lacked for
companionship if he wanted it - plenty of women would have been quite
happy to take Serena's place - he just hadn't been interested. He supposed
that meant he wasn't ready to move on yet. Lords knew, he did love
Starbuck - he just didn't know if he could love Starbuck the way he
wanted. Would it be so hard? He'd never considered it before, but Starbuck
was easy to love. Frak. He didn't know what to think. Maybe he really
wasn't ready for this, for being involved with anyone, let alone his
wingman. 

A few days later, Apollo and Starbuck got a summons from Commander Adama. 

"Our long-range sensors have picked up what may be a Cylon base on this
planet," the Commander said, indicating a place on the star chart.  "It
may be nothing. It may just be a sensory ghost. Or there may be something
down there. I want the two of you to go down there and check it out, and
take plenty of ordnance with you. I wish I could send more than two
warriors, but if there is a Cylon outpost down there we need as many
warriors as possible guarding the fleet." 

Adama turned and picked up some maps. "From what we know of this planet,
there is a large network of subterranean chambers and tunnels. We assume
this is where the Cylons are hiding, since nothing has been detected on
the surface." 

"So, what you want us to do," said Starbuck, "is to go down there, wander
around those tunnels, hope we don't run into any Cylons, plant charges,
and then get the hell out of there before we get caught or the tunnels
collapse on us." 

"Basically, yes," Adama replied dryly.

"As long as I understand you clearly," Starbuck sighed.

The arrangements were sketched out. A shuttle would drop the two of them
on the planet- they weren't to take their vipers.  It would return to pick
them up at a pre-set time. 

As they left the Commander's office, Starbuck turned to go back to the
bachelor officer's quarters. Apollo stepped in front of him. "Can I talk
to you for a centon, Starbuck?" 

"Sure, about what?" his friend asked.

"I was wondering why you've been avoiding me lately."

"I haven't been avoiding you," Starbuck stated.

"Yes you have. Ever since the night when - when you told me how you feel
about me - I've barely seen you, except when we're on patrol." 

"So?"

"So, I, well, I miss you," said Apollo.

Starbuck took a deep breath. "Look, Apollo, you told me how you feel - or
should I say, how you don't feel about me. I told you that I'd always be
your friend, no matter what, and I will be. But I need some time.  " 

"Time for what?" the Captain asked.

"Time to adjust, to get used to the fact that you don't love me." 

"But I do love you, just not the way that you love me."

"I know, Apollo. And that does mean something to me. But right now it
hurts." 

"I'm sorry," Apollo said softly.

Starbuck lay a hand on Apollo's shoulder. "Don't apologize. You can't help
the way you feel, any more than I can." He turned to leave. "I'll see you
in the shuttle bay tomorrow." And he was gone. 

"Frak," Apollo swore softly. He hated to see Starbuck in pain. //You,
Apollo, are a coward// he told himself. 

Yes, that word about suited him. A coward. He'd lost so many people to
this damned war. He didn't want to take the risk of losing someone else.
He tried to tell himself that this made no sense - his loving Starbuck, or
not loving Starbuck, wasn't going to stop anything from happening to him.
But if anything did happen, maybe if he didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt
so much. Somehow he doubted it though. When Starbuck had been captured by
the Cylons, that time they'd all thought he'd been killed, it had hurt as
much as losing his brother and his mother had.  And how could he stop
himself from loving Starbuck anyway? 

Thinking this way made his head hurt. It was time to go collect Boxey and
go to bed. He had a busy day tomorrow. 

The next day he arrived at the shuttle bay to find Starbuck and Athena
already there waiting for him. He hadn't realized his sister would be
piloting the shuttle. He wondered if she knew that her former boyfriend
was actually in love with her brother. He shoved that thought aside as
quickly as he had it. 

As he and Starbuck went over their equipment, the lieutenant said,
"Listen, Apollo, I've been thinking over what we talked about yesterday." 

"We can't talk about that right now, Starbuck. We're not alone here. We
can talk later." 

Starbuck grabbed his arm. "There might not *be* a later, old buddy. We
don't know if we're coming back from this mission." 

Apollo carefully removed his arm from his friend's grasp. "Then what we
talked about won't matter anymore, will it?" he asked rhetorically. 

"I guess not," Starbuck replied softly, turning away from him and
pretending to be absorbed in his preparations for the mission. 

//I did it again// Apollo said to himself. //I hurt him. Why do I have to
keep doing that?// "Starbuck, listen..." he started. 

"Don't, Apollo."

"Don't what?" the Captain asked, surprised.

"Don't say anything, okay? Just ... let it go. Concentrate on the mission.
That's all that matters.  Protecting the fleet from the Cylons. It's our
job, it's what we're trained for, it's what we're going to do. Nothing
else is important."  And Starbuck stepped aboard the shuttle. 

Not knowing what else to do, Apollo boarded the shuttle too, and they
departed for the planet below. 

The two warriors didn't talk a lot on the flight. What conversation they
had was limited to discussing the mission. //Maybe it's safer this way//
Apollo thought. 

Athena landed the shuttle and gave them some last-minute instructions. She
told them when she would return for them, and also arranged an alternate
landing spot if there was any chance the Cylons detected the shuttle's
presence. Then she gave each of the two men a hug and took off. 

At first, things went smoothly. The warriors found an access hatch to the
underground tunnels with the help of some handheld scanners. And in the
tunnels they found what they'd been afraid of - Cylon equipment
everywhere. Computers, weapons, and the facilities to build more weapons.
Without needing to speak, Starbuck and Apollo went about laying
explosives. 

And then, all hell broke loose.

A pair of Cylon troopers surprised them in the middle of laying the
charges. They exchanged fire, and when it was over, the equipment didn't
need to be blown up anymore because it had been destroyed in the gun
battle. The Cylons were smoking heaps of metal on the floor. Apollo turned
to make sure that Starbuck was all right. 

He wasn't. Starbuck lay on the floor. He'd been hit by Cylon fire. For one
heart-stopping moment Apollo was certain his friend was dead, but then he
saw that Starbuck was still breathing. He wouldn't be for long, though,
unless Apollo got him back to the Galactica. 

He couldn't believe what had happened.  One moment Starbuck had been
planting a charge, grinning at him, and the next he was lying bleeding on
the ground. It was Serena all over again.  He remembered all too clearly
his wife lying on the ground after being shot by a Cylon. He shook
himself. No time for reminiscing. Starbuck needed his help. He looked
around the bend in the corridor. No patrols. Good. He took the unconscious
man in his arms. "I won't let you die, Starbuck," he said. "I haven't told
you I love you yet ... and I fully intend to, when you're better."  He
wasn't certain when he'd come to that decision. Maybe it had been when
Starbuck reminded him that there was always the possibility they wouldn't
come back from this mission. He realized that there were no certainties in
life, especially not in wartime, and that he could not let his fears ruin
his chances for happiness. 

He still wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of being lovers with
Starbuck - not because he was a man, but because he had been single for so
long, he could hardly imagine himself lovers with anyone. But if Starbuck
survived, he was going to change that. If Starbuck survived. He had to.
Nothing else was acceptable. 

He lifted Starbuck in his arms. The Lieutenant was lighter than he
expected. He realized that up until the night he'd made his sudden
declaration, Starbuck ate most of his meals with him and Boxey. Had
Starbuck not been eating since ? 

Somehow - he wasn't entirely sure how - he managed to carry Starbuck
safely to the rendezvous site.  Athena helped him carry Starbuck on to the
shuttle, and soon they were safely back on the Galactica. Fortunately,
most of the Cylon equipment had been destroyed in the battle with the
centurions that had injured Starbuck, and the rest had gone up when Apollo
detonated the charges that he and his wingman had planted before their
unfortunate surprise. 

Starbuck was taken to the Life Center immediately, and Apollo went with
him. He stayed as close as the doctor would let him. Starbuck had to live.
He had to. Apollo didn't know what he would do without him. Starbuck was
more than just his best friend, more than a brother.  Starbuck was the
person that Apollo loved more than anything.  He wished that it hadn't
taken such a dramatic incident to prove it, but now that he knew, he fully
intended to prove it to Starbuck. 

If he would just wake up.

Finally, after several centares, the doctor appeared. Starbuck had made it
through surgery. It appeared that he would survive. But his recovery would
take a long time.  It wouldn't be easy. 

"I don't care about that," Apollo told the doctor. "He's alive. That's all
that matters." 

"Captain," said the doctor, "Lt. Starbuck is alive, and that's good, but
he does have a long recovery ahead of him. It's nothing short of a miracle
he survived, and he's been very seriously injured. " 

"I don't care," replied Apollo. "I'll be here every step of the way." 

The doctor smiled. "The Lieutenant is fortunate to have a friend like
you." 

"I'm fortunate to have him," Apollo responded. //A friend. Will Starbuck
still want to be 'more than friends' ?//

It was a few days before Starbuck regained consciousness. Dr. Salik told
Apollo that this was normal, but Apollo still worried until Starbuck
finally opened his eyes. The Lieutenant looked confused. He looked around
and saw Apollo and seemed to relax somewhat. 

"Lieutenant Starbuck, good to see you're awake," said Dr Salik. "How do
you feel?" 

"Terrible," replied Starbuck. "Everything hurts."

"Do you remember what happened to you?" asked the doctor.

"Cylons," said Starbuck with a frown. "Apollo?"

Apollo was at his side in an instant. "Right here, buddy."

"Are you okay?" Starbuck asked.

"I'm fine, except for being worried about you."

Starbuck frowned again. "Don't need to worry about me," he mumbled. 

Apollo took his hand. "I will always worry about you. I love you." 

Starbuck looked like he wanted to say something, but a yawn took over. 
Apollo stroked the hand he was holding. "Get some rest," he told his
friend. "I'll stay here with you." 

Starbuck sighed and closed his eyes. Soon he had drifted off to sleep. 

//Okay, I said the words, but does he know that I meant them? That I meant
"I love you" and not just "I love you as a friend" ? //

The next time Starbuck awoke Apollo was still at his side. "Hey, Bucko,"
he said. "How do you feel now?" 

"Hungry," replied the Lieutenant.

Apollo grinned. "I'll see if I can get you something to eat." He left for
a few moments and returned with a tray of food. 

"Just a little bit at a time for now, buddy. Your stomach hasn't had any
food in it for a few days.  Can you sit up?" 

Starbuck struggled into a sitting position. Apollo put down his tray and
helped him. He let his hands linger on his friend's body for a few microns
longer than necessary. Starbuck shot him a strange look but didn't say
anything. 

After a few bites, Starbuck was again exhausted. Apollo helped him to lie
back down. "I have to go take care of Boxey right now, buddy," he
said."Afraid I haven't seen him much in the last few days. You get some
sleep and I'll be back as soon as I can." He again took Starbuck's hand,
and this time he kissed it. "Have a good sleep, my love. I'll see you
soon."  He turned to leave. 

"Apollo?" said Starbuck weakly.

"Yes?"

"Never mind." And Starbuck was asleep once more.

Apollo was thoughtful as he went to pick up his son. He wanted to just
blurt out his feelings to Starbuck once and for all, but he was afraid
Starbuck would think that it was just an emotional reaction to his
near-death, and that once he was better, Apollo would want to go back to
being "just friends." No, he needed to take this slowly. He wanted
Starbuck to feel safe, to trust him.

After spending the rest of the night at home with Boxey, Apollo was back
in the Life Center early the next morning. Starbuck smiled when he saw
him. That smile made Apollo feel warm inside. //I really do love him// he
thought. //Why did it take me so long to realize it?// "Morning, Bucko,"
he said cheerfully. "Feeling any better today?" 

"A bit," Starbuck answered.

"Well, that's good. Ready to try some breakfast?"

Starbuck nodded and Cassiopia appeared with some food. "There's enough
here for both of you,"  she announced. "Apollo has hardly eaten a thing
since you were brought in here, Starbuck." 

Apollo insisted on helping Starbuck with his meal before he ate anything
himself. He also helped Starbuck to sit up and to lie back down after he
was finished. Just before the Lieutenant dozed off, he reached for
Apollo's hand and squeezed it gently. " 'Pollo?" he whispered. 

"Yeah, buddy?"

"Thanks."

"For what?" Apollo asked, but Starbuck was already asleep. 

The next several days were similar. Apollo spent all of his free time in
the Life Center, helping Starbuck to sit up and eat, and simply being
there with him. If Starbuck wondered about his friend's insistence on
staying with him, he didn't mention it.

Finally the day came when Dr. Salik said that Starbuck could try getting
out of bed and standing up. With Apollo at his side he slowly swung his
feet over the side of the bed and stood shakily for the first time since
his injury. He swayed slightly and Apollo caught him. "It's okay, buddy," 
Apollo said reassuringly. "I've got you, and I won't let you go."  He
thought he saw a pained look cross Starbuck's face, but he told himself it
was simply due to the effort of standing up for the first time. 

Soon Starbuck was able to stand on his own for longer periods of time, at
which point the doctor encouraged him to try walking. Again he started to
fall, and again Apollo caught him. "Just hang on to me, Starbuck," Apollo
said. "I won't let you fall. I won't let anything happen to you, ever
again." 

"Apollo, stop it," Starbuck said tiredly as he sat down.

"Stop what?"

"Stop being so damn nice. Stop touching me all the time. Stop saying
things you don't mean." 

"Things I don't mean? Like what?"

"Like that you love me, because you don't. Oh, I know you mean that you
love me as a friend, but stop saying it all the time. It just reminds me
that you *only* love me as a friend." 

"But I do love you," Apollo responded. "I love you as more than a friend.
I love you as a lover.  You mean everything to me. I can't believe I
almost lost you without telling you how I feel." 

"No you don't," muttered Starbuck.

"Don't what?" asked his friend, puzzled.

"Don't love me like that. You might think you do, but you just feel guilty
because I got shot.  When I've recovered you'll want to be friends again.
Unless you think I'll accept a pity fuck.  Which I won't." 

"Starbuck, that's not true. I love you with all of my heart, with every
part of me. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it, and I know that I
hurt you when I told you that I didn't love you.  I am so sorry for that,
and I wish I could make it up to you." 

"Well you can't. But thank you for everything you've been doing for me. I
appreciate the help.  But you can let someone else do it now - Cassie will
help me, I'm sure." 

Apollo tried to contain the surge of jealousy he felt at the mention of
Starbuck's former love interest. He knew that Starbuck and Cassiopia were
just friends, but he still felt an irrational pang when he thought of
Starbuck with someone else. "Bucko, I do love you. I don't know how to
prove it to you, but I do. When I saw you'd been shot, it was like my
heart stopped beating.  When I thought you might not survive, I felt my
life was over.  I don't want to live without you any longer, Starbuck. Not
one more centon." 

"Apollo, you can't prove that you love me any more than you already have.
I've told you, your friendship means a lot to me. And the way you've
helped me here in the life center shows how much you care. But there's a
difference between that and being in love with me. You're not in love with
me. So please, stop trying to feel something you're not feeling. Stop
trying to be something you're not just to make me happy." 

"Starbuck..." Apollo started to say.

"Apollo, I'm tired. I think you should leave now."

Reluctantly, Apollo left the Life Center. He felt frustrated and angry,
and sad. Why wouldn't Starbuck believe him? How could he be so stubborn?
He supposed he'd given Starbuck reason to doubt him after he'd so
vehemently denied being in love with him before. If only he hadn't been so
stubborn himself. 

When he arrived back at his quarters, Boxey was waiting for him. "Hi, Dad!
How's Starbuck?"  the boy asked. 

Apollo studied his son. It had been a few yahrens since he had adopted
Boxey after his brief marriage to the boy's mother, and the boy was
gradually growing up into a young man. He was almost ten yahrens old.  But
Apollo could still see the young boy in him. He could also see Serena
every time he looked at him. "Starbuck's doing great. He's a lot better." 

"Is something wrong, Dad?" 

"No, nothing's wrong. Why?"

"Well, you just told me what should be good news, but you don't look very
happy," his son answered. 

Apollo rubbed his eyes. "Guess I'm just tired. Haven't had a lot of sleep
lately.." 

"No kidding, you've been spending every centon with Starbuck. "

Apollo frowned. "I'm sorry I haven't been spending much time with you
lately.." he began, but Boxey cut him off. 

"That's okay, Dad! Starbuck is my friend too! I'm just glad he's better." 

His father smiled. "I'm glad too, kiddo. Now, it's time that both of us
were in bed! Brush your teeth and I'll be in to hear you say your prayers
in a couple of centons." 

Over the next several days Apollo stayed away from the Life Center. Boxey
noticed and finally asked him why he hadn't been to visit Starbuck the way
he had been doing every day in the sectons since the Lieutenant had been
shot. 

"I've been busy," Apollo answered with a shrug. "Anyway, I'm sure Starbuck
would rather see Athena or Cassie than see me." 

Boxey made a sound that was something like a snort. "I don't think so!" 

"What do you mean by that, young man?" the Captain asked sternly. 

"Dad, really, did you think I haven't noticed? Starbuck would much rather
spend time with you than with Cassie or Athena or anyone else on the
Galactica!" 

Apollo stared at his son. Was it that obvious? But Boxey had always been
extraordinarily perceptive, even when he was younger. 

"That might have been true once," Apollo said sadly. "But not anymore." 

"Why not? You two have a fight or something?"

"Something like that," Apollo answered. "But let's not talk about me. How
did your day go?  What did you do in learning period?" He hoped Boxey
would be willing to change the subject.  Fortunately, he was. 

The next day, Starbuck was surprised to find he had a visitor. "Hey, kid!"
he greeted Boxey.  "How ya been? Long time no see." 

"Whose fault is that, Starbuck?" asked the boy.

"Huh?" asked the Lieutenant, confused.

"Whose fault is it that you haven't seen me lately? You know where I live.
I know you've been stuck here in Life Center for a few sectons but you
stopped coming to visit long before that." 

"Well, uh, I've been busy. Nothing personal."

"Busy doing what? Busy avoiding my father, maybe?"

Starbuck sighed. "Boxey, what's between me and your dad is, well, between
us. It doesn't concern you." 

Boxey scowled. "Starbuck, my dad has been completely miserable for the
last several days. Ever since he stopped coming to visit you. He won't
tell me what happened between you, but I can tell he's hurt. And if
something hurts my dad, it concerns me!" 

Starbuck looked at Boxey. He'd known the boy for almost five yahrens, but
he hadn't really noticed that the child he called "kiddo" and played games
with and teased was, in fact, growing up. 

"Look, kid, right now Apollo and I are having a bit of a disagreement, but
I'm sure it'll blow over sooner or later. He's upset because I got hurt,
and he probably blames himself, knowing him. He just hovered over me a bit
too much and I got ticked off at him.  We had .. words. But we'll get over
it." 

"Well, you'd better get over it soon!" Boxey said impatiently. Starbuck
grinned. Yes, Boxey was growing up, but in many ways he was still a child. 

"I'll do my best," Starbuck promised solemnly. Boxey still looked
troubled.

"C'mere, kid." Starbuck opened his arms and drew Boxey into a hug. 
"Whatever happens between me and your dad, I'll always be here for you.
I'm your friend just as much as I'm his friend. " 

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Will you be getting out of here soon?" Boxey asked.

"Doctor Salik says it will be at least another secton.  Will you come back
and visit me again?" 

Boxey smiled finally. "Yeah."

"Good," said Starbuck. He kissed the top of Boxey's head and released him. 

Starbuck watched as Boxey left the Life Center.  He'd never thought of
himself as being the parental type, but since Serena had died, leaving
Apollo a single parent, Boxey had become almost as much his child as
Apollo's.  When Apollo had gone missing not long after Serena's sudden
death, Starbuck had taken over, taking Boxey to stay with him in the
Bachelor Officer's quarters and reassuring the boy that he would find his
father. He'd told Boomer that he wouldn't let Boxey lose another parent,
and the two of them had gone out in search of their friend, almost
exhausting their fuel supply but finally finding him and bringing him
back. 

When Muffit, Boxey's robotic daggit pet, had been severely damaged in a
fire, Starbuck had found him and returned him to Boxey. Apollo had thanked
him, but it had been the look on Boxey's face that had been his real
reward. He hoped that whatever did happen between himself and Apollo, it
wouldn't affect his relationship with Boxey. He had never expected that he
would become a parent - he hadn't seen himself as the type to settle down
with a family. But that had changed since he'd fallen in love with Apollo. 
Now what he wanted most in the world was to marry the man that he loved
and settle down with him and raise his - their - son together. It looked
as if the part with Apollo wouldn't happen, but he hoped that he could
still be part of Boxey's life, if not as a parent, then as a friend or
some sort of "uncle." He yawned. He was tired and didn't feel quite right. 
Maybe he'd been rushing his recovery. He lay down and fell asleep right
away. 

Boxey kept his promise to visit again, but when he arrived at the Life
Center the next day he didn't find Starbuck right away. He hurried to find
Dr. Salik, who led him to where Starbuck lay unconscious in an intensive
care bed. "What happened?" the boy asked fearfully. 

"Lieutenant Starbuck is suffering from a massive infection. I was afraid
this would happen," the doctor answered. 

"He'll be all right, won't he?" 

"It's too early to tell," said Dr. Salik. "Anything could happen."

"I ... I have to go get my father," Boxey stammered, as he turned and ran
from the Life Center. 

Boxey flew into the quarters he shared with his father, praying that
Apollo would be there. "Dad!  DAD!" 

"What is it?" asked Apollo, wondering what had his son so upset. 

"Dad, it's Starbuck. He's real sick. The doctor says ... the doctor says
he...you have to come, Dad, please! Starbuck needs you!" Boxey wasn't
entirely sure what had made him add that last bit, but it seemed to be
true. 

"All right." Apollo didn't ask any questions. If Boxey said Starbuck
needed him, then he did. He followed his son to the Life Center, barely
able to keep up with him. 

Apollo and Boxey stumbled in to the Life Center. Apollo found Dr. Salik.
"Boxey says that Starbuck is sick," he said. "Can I see him?" 

Salik led the Captain to Starbuck's bedside. "What happened?" Apollo
asked. "He was doing so well last time I saw him." 

"He's suffering from a massive systemic infection. His organs are shutting
down. Ordinarily the antibiotics I gave him would have stopped the
infection before it got this far, but Lieutenant Starbuck doesn't seem to
be cooperating," the doctor explained. 

"What do you mean?" Apollo didn't understand at first. "Are you saying
that .. Starbuck doesn't want to get better?" 

Salik sighed. "If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that Starbuck has lost
the will to live." 

Apollo almost collapsed into a chair. Boxey hovered over him worriedly.
"Are you okay, Dad?" 

"This is my fault," said Apollo.

"Huh? How can it be your fault?" Boxey asked.

Apollo realized that he owed his son an explanation. "Boxey, Starbuck told
me some time ago that he's in love with me. " 

"So?"

"I told him that I didn't love him - that way. I told him that I love him
like a friend but not, you know, the way I loved your mother." 

"Oh, Dad!" said Boxey exasperatedly. "How could you?"

"How could I what?"

"How could you tell Starbuck you don't love him? Everybody knows that you
do! Except for Starbuck, I guess." 

"What do you know about it?" Apollo asked the boy.

"Okay, maybe I'm just a kid, but I have eyes, Dad! I saw the way you and
my Mom looked at each other when you were sealed. I see the way Grandpa
Adama looks at pictures of Grandma when he tells me about her. I see the
way Cassie and Athena look at Starbuck sometimes.  And I've seen the way
he looks at you. And Dad, you look at him the same way. You know you do!" 

"I know, Boxey. I didn't realize it at first. And when I did, he didn't
believe me. I tried to tell him, but I guess I wasn't convincing enough." 

"Dad, you have to do something! You can't let Starbuck die thinking that
you don't love him!" 

"What can I do?" Apollo asked. "I've told him over and over again that I
love him, and he doesn't believe me." 

Boxey sat and thought. "Do you think he'd believe me, if I told him? If I
told him that you love him?" 

"I don't know," Apollo replied. "We don't even know if he'll wake up. We
might not have a chance to tell him." 

"Don't think that way!" Boxey exclaimed, reprimanding his father. "You
heard what the doctor said - Starbuck thinks he doesn't have a reason to
live. If we don't give him one he won't make it!" He approached Dr. Salik. 

"Doctor, do you think Starbuck can hear us? Even if he isn't actually
awake?" 

"I don't know, Boxey. Why?" 

"You said that you thought Starbuck lost his will to live. Maybe if my dad
and I talked to him we could convince him he's wrong? It's worth a try,
don't you think?" 

"Anything is worth a try, Boxey," said the doctor. "Go ahead and talk to
him. I can't promise he'll hear you, but I can't say that he won't,
either." 

Boxey thanked the doctor, approached Starbuck's bed cautiously, and took
his hand. "Starbuck?  Um, listen, it's me, Boxey. I came to visit like you
asked, and now you're not here! That isn't fair, Starbuck. You have to
wake up. We have some things to talk about. Like about you and my dad. He
loves you, you know. You have to believe it when he says it. He wouldn't
lie. My dad doesn't do things like that.  And I love you, not like that,
of course, but you're like my second dad.  I want you to get better.
Please?" He kissed the hand he'd been holding and stepped back. "Your
turn," he said to his father. 

Apollo nervously approached the unconscious form of the man that he loved.
"Bucko?" he said softly, using the nickname Starbuck had acquired when
they were still in the Academy. "It's me love, I'm here. Okay, I know you
don't like it when I say that. But you know what? I don't care. I love
you, and I'm going to keep telling you until you believe me." He could
feel the tears starting in his eyes. "I love you, Starbuck. With all of my
heart, all of my soul. And if you die ... damnit, you can't die! Please,
if you love me, come back to me. You've said that you love me. Prove it." 
The tears were falling freely now. He gripped Starbuck's hand tightly.
Then Apollo leaned forward and gently brushed his lips against Starbuck's.

Starbuck didn't wake up right away, the way Boxey and Apollo hoped he
would, but Dr. Salik checked his vital signs and said they were showing
some improvement. "It's early yet," he told Apollo and Boxey. "Wait and
see what happens." 

They let a few centares go by, then Apollo tried talking to Starbuck
again. "Hey, Bucko, it's me, I'm still here," Apollo said. "I've been
sitting here for a couple of centares just thinking about how long we've
known each other, all we've been through together. We've done just about
everything, haven't we? I couldn't ask for a better wingman. You're always
right there at my side, ready to risk your life for me.  I can't count the
number of times you've saved my hide.  Blasting Cylon fighters off my tail
... flying into a void by the seat of your pants to pull me out ... flying
off the hull of the ship to catch me when I lost my hand hold .. I don't
know what I've done to deserve everything you've done for me, and for
Boxey." He stroked his love's hair gently. "Please come back and let me
show you how much you mean to me. Give me a chance to thank you properly
for all of those things you've done. Let me prove to you how much I love
you."  He kissed Starbuck again, more firmly than the last time. 

Starbuck moaned softly. 

"Starbuck? Can you hear me?" Apollo asked.

"Apollo?" Starbuck said in a voice that was barely a whisper.

Apollo breathed a sigh of relief. "You scared us there, buddy. You've been
unconscious since yesterday." 

The lieutenant's eyes fluttered. He could barely keep them open. "Apollo?
I love you." 

Apollo smiled. "I love you too, buddy."

Starbuck smiled back. "I know." Then his eyes closed and he was
unconscious again. 

Apollo frantically summoned Dr. Salik. "He was awake, and then he passed
out again!"

The doctor checked the equipment surrounding the unconscious man.  "His
vital signs are improving. He's still very weak. I imagine he will
continue to drift in and out for awhile yet. Try not to worry too much. He
*is* getting stronger." 

"Telling my dad to stop worrying isn't going to be very helpful," Boxey
put in. "He worries about everything." 

Apollo ruffled his son's hair. "I worry about you, and I worry about
Starbuck. I worry about the people I love." 

"Do you think he heard you when you told him that you love him?" Boxey
asked. 

"I don't know, but when he was awake just now, he said 'I know,' when I
told him. I hope that means he's finally started to believe me." 

"I hope so too," said the boy with a sigh, and he went to sit by
Starbuck's bed. 

"Hey, Starbuck? I'm glad you woke up just now, but I wish you would *stay*
awake. We need to have a talk, you and me. If you and my dad are gonna be
together, we need to work out some living arrangements. Like if you're
going to live with us. I hope you are. I'd like to have you around." 

"I'd like that too, kid," came a weak voice from the bed. Boxey jumped up. 

"Starbuck! You're awake!"

"Ouch. Not so loud, kid."

"Starbuck, I'm so glad you're awake. Did you hear what my dad said to you,
and what I said?  About him loving you? 'Cause he does, you know. He's
really crazy about you. " 

"Or he's just crazy," the warrior said with a twinkle in his eye. Then his
eyes closed and he was out again. Dr Salik came back to check on him. 

"He's asleep," said the doctor. "Not unconscious, just asleep."

Starbuck's recovery was slower this time. Apollo and Boxey both stayed
with him around the clock. Every time he opened his eyes, one or both of
them was there.  And every time they talked to him, they told him how much
he was loved. Starbuck didn't say anything in response to these
declarations, though he didn't argue with them. But Apollo hoped that the
fact that he was getting better meant that he was starting to believe it. 

As the days went by, Starbuck was awake for longer periods of time. Dr.
Salik kept him under very close observation, not wanting anything else to
impede his recovery. Unfortunately, this meant that Apollo was very seldom
alone with him. 

Eventually, however, came a day when Apollo walked in to the Life Center
without Boxey, and saw that neither Salik nor Cassie was hovering in the
immediate vicinity. So he strolled over and planted a kiss directly on
Starbuck's lips. The Lieutenant's eyes flew open and he made a small,
muffled sound. Apollo immediately pulled back. 

"Did I hurt you?" he asked worriedly.

Starbuck took a breath. "No, you just startled me. I was asleep, and
suddenly I wake up to find that someone is kissing me like there's no
tomorrow." 

"Well, just in case there is no tomorrow, I thought I should kiss you
while I had the chance,"  Apollo replied. 

In response, Starbuck wrapped an arm around Apollo's neck, pulled him down
to the bed, and kissed him quite thoroughly. When he released him, he
said, "I've been wanting to do that for a long time." 

"Does this mean you finally believe me when I say that I love you?" asked
Apollo. 

"Yes. I believe you. I know, I've been stubborn and I've caused you a lot
of grief. And I'm sorry. I just couldn't believe that for once I was
getting what I wanted ... seems like most of my life, when I wanted
something, I could never have it. Love - well, love seemed out of my
reach.  Growing up in the orphanage, having Athena breaking things off
after the colonies were destroyed, and Cassie throwing me over for Cain,
and there have been others, too.  Then you said that you didn't love me
...well, I decided I wasn't going to take any more chances with love." 

Apollo took Starbuck's hand and held it tightly. "What changed your mind?"
he asked. 

"Believe it or not, it was Boxey. He's as stubborn as you are, you know
that?" 

"You're pretty stubborn yourself," Apollo answered.

"I know. Anyway, when Boxey told me that you love me ... well somehow his
words penetrated the wall of self-pity I put up around myself. He's
stubborn, like I said, and I didn't think he would lie for you. " 

Apollo grinned. "I'll have to tell him you said that. "

"What I don't understand, Apollo, is why."

"Why what?" 

"Why you love me."

"Why shouldn't I love you?" asked the Captain.

Starbuck tried to shrug but gave up because of the pain it caused. "Well,
I'm sure it hasn't escaped your attention that I'm a man." 

"So? What difference does that make?"

"I've only ever seen you with women. First Serena, then Sheba ... even
when we were in the Academy, you had plenty of girls interested in you." 

"I could say the same about you," Apollo answered. "Especially where it
concerns my sister or Cassiopia." 

"You've only seen me with women, but that's only because I hid the men,"
Starbuck confessed.  "Not always .. I'm sure you remember I had some
*close friends* at the Academy who were, well, more than just friends. But
once we got assigned to the Galactica, well ... you were my friend and I
didn't want anyone saying that the Commander's son hung around with a
fairy." 

"Fairy? Starbuck, just because you happen to love other men doesn't mean
you can use such derogatory terms about yourself." 

"Well, I was a lot younger then," Starbuck sighed. "Young and foolish."

"You were never foolish," Apollo corrected him.

"You still haven't told me why you love me," Starbuck reminded his friend. 

Apollo turned thoughtful. "Why do I love you? You're my best friend.
You've been by my side through some pretty hairy times. You were there for
me when Zac died and you convinced me not to blame myself for it.  " 

Starbuck interrupted him. "As I recall, I wasn't terribly successful." 

Apollo smiled, though it was a smile tinged with sadness. "It just took a
while," he said. 

"Anyway, please continue," Starbuck requested.

"Why do I love you ... like I said, you're my best friend. You've always
been here for me.  You've saved my life, more than once, and more than a
few of those times at the risk of your own life.  You've helped me raise
Boxey, and I don't think I've ever told me how much I needed that when
Serena died. I'd only been a dad for a few days, and suddenly here I was
with a child to raise, without his mother, both of us grieving for her,
and I was alone. Except I wasn't alone, because you were here. And before
you tell me that all of those are reasons to love you as a friend, let me
also tell you that I am very, very strongly attracted to you and I hope
you get better real quick, because I am dying to make love to you. With
you." 

Apollo would have sworn it was the first time he'd ever seen Starbuck
blush. "So, tell, me Bucko," he said casually, "why do you love me?" 

"Pretty much for the same reasons, I guess," Starbuck mused. "You're my
best friend. You're the closest thing to family I have, you and Boxey. 
You're brave, loyal, honest, kind to small children and animals.." he
grinned mischieviously, "and you have never failed to show me love almost
since the day I met you. And I am also dying to make love with you, but
you'd better wait until the doc gives the go-ahead, or I might *really* be
dying." 

"Don't even say that," Apollo stated with a frown.

Starbuck squeezed the hand holding his. "Lighten up, 'Pollo. I'll be all
right. I'm not going to give up now that I know what I have to look
forward to." 

"When I think of everything that's happened ... how close I came to losing
you .. gods, Starbuck, if you hadn't made it..." 

Starbuck put his hand over Apollo's mouth. "Sssh. That's in the past.
Forget about it. I'm here and I'm going to be all right. You won't lose
me." 

Apollo removed the hand from his mouth and kissed it before letting go.
"And you won't lose me, either. " 

About a secton later, Dr. Salik had some news.

"Lieutenant Starbuck, you've been doing very well, and your recovery took
a shorter time than I expected. I would release you, but I have a few
concerns. Mainly that you live in the Bachelor Officer's Quarters. You
don't have anyone to look after you if you should suffer a setback." 

"Doctor, Starbuck lives with me and Boxey," Apollo announced. "Both of us
will keep an eye on him and have him back here on the double if there is
the least sign of a problem." 

"In that case, Captain, I release him to your care. Take care of yourself,
Lieutenant, and let Apollo take care of you too." 

"I will, Doctor. And thanks for everything," Starbuck said with relief.
Then he turned to Apollo. 

"Did you mean that, about me living with you?" he asked.

"Of course I meant it," Apollo snorted. "You, me, and Boxey, we're a
family now. Together always." Then he added, "I love you." 

A brilliant smile appeared on the blonde man's face. "I love you, too,
Apollo. Let's go home." 

As the two men left the Life Center, Dr. Salik stopped Apollo. "Apollo,
just remember, Starbuck is still recovering. No strenuous activities for a
few more sectons, all right?" 

This time it was Apollo's turn to blush.

END