In Good Times and Bad ---------------------- Benton Fraser walked in to the 27th Precinct and smiled when he saw his lover and unofficial partner, Ray Kowalski. He strolled up to Ray's desk and noticed that the detective was absorbed in some paperwork. He put a hand on the other man's shoulder to gain his attention. "Ray," he said. Kowalski nearly jumped right out of his chair. "Damnit, Fraser!" he said angrily, "Don't touch me in front of the entire precinct!" Ben was stunned. He and Ray had never discussed whether or not they would be "out" at work, but Ray didn't usually have a problem with the Mountie touching him. Ray himself had hugged Fraser right in the middle of the squad room the day they'd first met, though he was pretending to be Ray Vecchio at the time. "I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't mean to startle you," Fraser apologized. "What are you working on?" "A mess," muttered Ray. "Some pervert who gets his jollies molesting little boys." Fraser's stomach twisted. He'd worked on cases like that in the past, and they could be nightmarish to deal with. No wonder his partner was in a foul mood. "Is there anything I can help you with? Forms that need to be filled out?" he asked. "No, Fraser, I'll deal with it. Go back to the Consulate and do yer own job for once," answered Kowalski, sounding distracted. "All right," said Ben. "Will I see you tonight?" "No," stated Ray flatly. "Don't bother coming over tonight. I need some time to myself." "Oh." For once Fraser did not know what to say. "Very well. I will ...I will see you later." "Yeah. See ya," said Ray. Ben turned to leave, then he stopped. "Is everything all right, Ray?" "All right?" Ray snorted. "Yeah, everything's just peachy keen, Fraser. Now go away and let me work." Fraser left, feeling hurt and confused. He told himself that Ray was simply dealing with a difficult case, and that his behavior was understandable. Somehow that didn't make him feel any better. He almost ran right in to Francesca as he was on his way out. "Oh, excuse me, Francesca," he said politely. "I was not watching where I was going." "Did you come here to see Ray?" she asked. "Because if you did, I'd better warn you, he's been a real bear today." "Do you have any idea *why* he is acting so unpleasantly?" Ben inquired. "All I know is, ever since Welsh gave him the Farinelli case - the guy that molested the players on his soccer team - he's been impossible to deal with. Everyone's been giving him a wide berth." "Child abuse cases always are difficult - " Fraser started, then stopped and looked at Francesca. "I'm sorry, Francesca. I imagine it's not easy for you to deal with, either." Francesca smiled a bit sadly. "It's okay, Frase. I've dealt with my 'issues' about my Pop. And it's not like he, um, did anything like *that*. Sure he beat us, but compared to what some kids have to go through, my childhood was a walk in the park." "Still, this kind of case is never easy for anyone, and it is probably even more difficult for someone who has been through it themselves," Fraser observed. Then, suddenly, it hit him. He'd answered his own question. The signs had always been there. Ray's low self-esteem, lack of confidence in his own abilities, his deep insecurities. All classic signs of childhood abuse. "Earth to Fraser," Frannie was saying. "Oh, I'm sorry, Francesca. I had better return to the Consulate. Please give my best to your mother." And he left. Ray had been abused. Fraser was sure of it. Of course, he didn't know what form the abuse had taken - physical, emotional, or sexual. His reaction to his current case hinted at sexual abuse in his past. He wanted to talk to Ray about it, but he did not know how to bring up the subject with his partner. Especially since it seemed that Ray did not want to see him right now. He would have to wait for awhile. Ray would be finished with the case soon enough, and then they have more time together. He would be patient and wait for Ray to open up to him. After all, they loved each other, didn't they? Surely Ray would talk to him. A few days later, Fraser still hadn't heard from Ray. He was working at his desk when he received a phone call from Lt. Welsh. "What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" he asked politely. "Well, it's about your partner," said Welsh. "Is Ray all right?" asked Fraser, frightened that something had happened to his lover. "Don't worry, Constable, nothing's happened to him. But I don't think he's all right. He's been extremely unpleasant to everyone in the precinct over the last few days. Something is obviously bothering him, but he won't talk to anyone about it. I wondered if he had told you anything." "I'm afraid that Ray has not been exactly...communicative lately, sir. I believe, however, that his mood has something to do with the case he has been working on - the child abuse case?" Welsh sighed. "No one likes to work on abuse cases, but Vecchio's reaction has been rather extreme." "Sir, I believe there may be a reason behind Ray's reaction to the abuse case. I have no proof of my suspicions, but I believe Ray was abused himself as a child." "That would explain a lot, Constable," Welsh agreed. "Should I re-assign the case to another detective?" "With all due respect, sir, I believe Ray would be very angry if you did. He would take that as evidence that you believe he can't do his job." "Well, if his attitude doesn't improve soon, I'm either going to reassign the case or make him take a leave of absence. Or both." "Understood, sir. I shall try to talk to him. Perhaps I can convince him to speak to a therapist." "Anything you can do would be appreciated, Constable. And, Constable?" "Sir?" "Your relationship with Detective Vecchio...that is, the former Detective Kowalski, currently known as Detective Vecchio. I believe that the two of you are more than partners or friends, am I correct?" "Yes, sir," replied Fraser in surprise. "Ray and I are lovers." "I just want you to know that this is not a problem for me, and if anyone tries to make it a problem for either of you, let me know, and I will deal with it," stated Welsh. "Thank you, sir," said Ben. "Take care of yourself, Constable, and take care of your partner, too," said Welsh, and ended the call. Fraser thought for awhile, then got up, grabbed his Stetson and headed over to the precinct. As he approached Ray's desk he saw that his partner looked terrible. He appeared even thinner than usual, his clothes were a wrinkled mess, and he had obviously not been sleeping, judging by the dark circles under his eyes. "Ray," he said to the detective. "Ray. Ray. Ray. RAY!" "Oh, hi, Fraser. What's up?" asked Ray distractedly. "Ray, I want you to come with me, please. I need to talk with you." "Fraser, can't this wait? I'm busy," grumbled Kowalski. "No, Ray, I'm afraid it can't. " He leaned closer. "Ray, I just spoke to Lieutenant Welsh. He is very close to giving you an *enforced* leave of absence because of your behavior recently. I don't think you want that, do you?" "Welsh has problem with my behavior?" Ray asked in confusion. "Yes, Ray." Fraser looked around. "I don't think we should talk here. Please, let me take you home. We can talk there. I'll tell the Lieutenant." "All right," Ray agreed reluctantly. Fraser spoke briefly to the lieutenant then returned to Ray's desk. Ray had picked up his jacket and keys and he followed Ben to the parking lot. He threw his partner a look. "Don't get any ideas about driving," he snarled. Benton gave Ray his best "Innocent Mountie" look. "Of course not, Ray. It is your car." "Damn right it is," muttered Kowalski. When they arrived at Ray's apartment, the detective collapsed on to the couch. "So, what did you want to talk to me about, Fraser?" he asked. "Ray, I'm worried about you. Something has been bothering you lately. Can you tell me about it?" "What makes ya think something's bothering me?" "Ray, you are obviously not sleeping and probably not eating. When I touch you, you practically jump out of your skin. You've been snapping at the people you work with. Please, talk to me, Ray." Fraser was almost begging. "What makes it any of your business?" Ray snorted. "It's my business because I care about you. Because I love you. And it hurts me to see you like this." Ray groaned. "Aww, Fraser, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just have some ... things to work out. I'll be all right." "Ray, you're not all right now. Please tell me what's going on." "I can't, Fraser. I just....can't." "Ray, do you love me?" Ben asked. "Of course I love you!" cried Ray. "Do you trust me?" "With my life, Fraser," Kowalski replied. "I am going to tell you a story, Ray. No, it's not an Inuit story," he said before Ray could stop him. "I want you to listen to me without interrupting until I'm finished. Can you do that for me, Ray?" "Uh...I guess so." "All right. Here is my story." Fraser paused and took a breath, then continued. "When I was growing up in Tuktoyaktuk, there was a man, a hockey coach. He got a group of us boys together - myself, Innusiq, Mark Smithbauer, and others - and we formed a team. Sometimes we would go to other towns and play against their teams. Somehow it always seemed as if one boy would have to bunk with the coach when we went out of town. "And sometimes, the coach would invite one of us to spend the night at his house. It was seen as a kind of privilege. Whoever the lucky one was, he would get to stay up late, eat junk food, maybe even get to drink alcohol. What was never talked about was what *else* happened during those sleepovers." "Oh my god," Ray whispered. "Did he...did you..." "No, Ray. Somehow I never was one of his 'favorites.' Mark was the one who finally spoke up, who put an end to it." "Thank god for that, at least," Ray said softly. "Ray, I am going to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth. Did anything like that happen to you, when you were a child? Were you abused by someone, someone you trusted?" There was a long silence before Ray finally answered "Yes," so quietly that Ben could barely hear him. "Who was it?" "Little League coach. I was...I was ten." "Did you tell anyone?" Fraser asked gently. "Not until..until someone else did, first. Then my parents asked me, an' I told them. He didn't go to jail. He plea-bargained an' got probation." "Ray, I am so sorry that this happened to you." Ben reached for his partner, but Ray shied away from the embrace. "Ray, why won't you let me touch you?" "I feel dirty, Frase. Like when I told my parents about us...they wanted to know if *he* made me this way. Made me gay. Or if maybe he knew I was gay an' that was why he did it." "Ray, when you were ten years old, did you know you were gay?" his partner asked. "No. I didn't know 'till after Stella left me." "Then I doubt that man knew, either. It wasn't your fault, Ray. You were a child." "I should've stopped him, Ben! I shouldn't have let him do those things." "Ray, look at me. Look at me. You were a *child*. This was an adult. He was bigger than you. Children are taught to do what adults tell them to. There was no way you could have stopped him. You told your parents. You did the right thing." He reached for Ray again, and this time Ray accepted the embrace. "How can you want me after what I told you?" Ray asked, almost in tears. "How can I want you? How can I *not* want you? I love you, Ray. You are my life partner. Nothing can change that." He kissed the top of Ray's head. "You know what else bothers me about this case, the Farinelli case?" Ray asked. "What?" "Some people thought that because Farinelli molested those boys, that means he's gay. They think that gay men - guys like you an' me, Frase - like to hurt kids." "There is a lot of ignorance in the world, Ray. All we can do is live our lives and try not to let it get to us. And, when we can, combat the stereotypes." "Maybe...maybe we could tell a few people about us, Ben. Like, at the precinct." "Lt. Welsh has already guessed about us, Ray. He seems to be quite supportive of our relationship." "That makes things a bit easier," mused Ray. "Ray, there is something else I wanted to talk to you about." Ray snuggled closer to his lover. "What's that?" "Would you be willing to talk to a therapist about what you just told me? About the abuse? I think it would help you deal with cases like this one...and it would benefit our relationship, as well." It looked at first like Ray was going to argue, but after a few minutes he sighed and agreed. "Yeah. I guess I can do that," he said. He sat up and looked at his partner. "Will you sleep with me tonight, Ben? Just sleep...I don't really feel able to do anything else right now. But I'd like it if you held me - maybe it'll help keep the nightmares away." "I would be very happy to sleep with you, Ray. Tonight and every night." "Thanks, Frase. I love you." "I love you too, Ray. Always." END