It's Only Words
-------------------

Ray Vecchio stretched and yawned. His bed partner was already awake and
ready to start his day. 

"Benny, this is early even for you," Ray commented as he looked at the
clock. 

"Don't you remember, Ray? Today is the day I fly to Nunavut," Fraser
answered. 

"Shit! I did forget," said Ray. He started to climb out of bed. 

"You don't have to get up, Ray. Like you said, it's still early." 

"I want to get up, Benny. I'll drive you to the airport. It's the least I
can do." 

Fraser sighed. "I already had Mr. Mustafi call a taxi for me. It should be
here soon. There's no need for you to go to any trouble for me." 

Ray got up and pulled on a robe. "Benny, you go straight to Mustafi and
tell him to cancel the taxi. I am going to drive you to the airport." 

"As you wish, Ray," replied his partner, and did as Ray had told him. 

When Fraser returned Ray pulled him down on to the bed. "Now let me say
good morning properly," he said with an exaggerated leer. 

"Ray," Fraser said tolerantly, "as much as I enjoy your attentions, I
don't want to miss my flight." 

Ray rolled on top of his lover.  "Don't worry about that, Benny. I'm sure
we have plenty of time for a quickie." He silenced further protests with a
kiss.

When their 'quickie' was finished, Fraser looked at the clock. "Oh, dear,"
he said. "We must hurry." 

"Don't worry about it, Benny. Flights almost never leave when they're
supposed to. I'm sure you'll be fine." 

The two men dressed quickly and hurried out to Ray's Buick Riviera. As
they drove to the airport, Ray asked, "So, tell me again why you have to
go to Nunavut. What's the big occasion?" 

"Nunavut is a new territory, Ray. It's the first territory to be
completely governed by the aboriginal people of the North. April first
marks the territory's first anniversary." 

"So this is the first birthday for a new territory run by Inuit?" asked
Ray, remembering Fraser's tales of his life among the native people of the
far North. 

"Inuit and Dene," Benny corrected.

"Dene. So there's some big Mountie thing happening up there?" 

"You could put it that way. The Governor-General will be making an
official visit and members of the RCMP always form her Honour Guard."
Fraser looked a bit self-conscious. "It is a great honour to be chosen for
Her Excellency's party." 

"So the Governor-General is some type of royalty?" Ray inquired as he cut
a corner. 

"Driving, Ray," Fraser admonished. "Not exactly royalty. She is the
Queen's official representative in Canada. Her duties include opening
Parliament, making the Speech From The Throne..." Fraser's recitation of
the Governor-General's duties took up most of the journey to the airport. 

As Ray pulled up in front of O'Hare, he turned to his partner. "Have a
good time, Benny. I'll uh, I'll miss you." 

"And I you, Ray," said Fraser. He attempted to kiss Ray, but his partner
pulled away. "Not here, Benny," he said. Fraser nodded, got out of the car
and hurried into the airport. 

As Ray drove away, he thought of what he *hadn't* said to Benny. Even
though they had been sleeping together for several months, Ray had never
said "I love you" to his partner.  Benny had said it a few times at the
beginning, until he'd realized he was not going to hear a similar
declaration from Ray. So he'd just stopped saying it, never asking any
questions, never inquiring if Ray loved him. He accepted what Ray was
willing to give, it seemed, and never asked for more. Sometimes it made
Ray feel like a selfish bastard, and he had even convinced himself that
Benny deserved more, but he was also too selfish to give Benny up. 
Occasionally he wished that he could hear Benny say he loved him again,
but he knew that as long as he wasn't willing to say the words himself, he
wasn't likely to hear them from Fraser. //They're only words// he told
himself. //Words don't mean anything. Benny must know how I feel about
him.//

But really, were Ray's feelings that visible to the Mountie? Even though
he slept with no one but Benny, Ray still flirted with plenty of women,
including Louise St. Laurent.  He assumed that Fraser knew he was
faithful, though he'd never said anything either way. //Hmm. I should
probably talk to him about that when he gets back// Ray thought. 

Meanwhile, Fraser had hurried to the departure gate only to discover his
flight had already left.  He sighed. He'd tried to tell Ray they didn't
have time for sex that morning, but Ray was difficult to dissuade. He
supposed it had been just as much his own fault for giving in so easily. 
He went to check in for his flight north. 

The next day was a fairly quiet one in the 27th Precinct. Ray had picked
up a shortwave radio on impulse and fiddled with the dial until he found a
CBC feed coming from across the border.  //Too bad we don't pick up
Canadian television on that antique set// he thought, looking at the
television mounted on the wall in the corner. //Would be nice to see Benny
in his red uniform, riding in that Honour Guard thing. Of course, everyone
here would think I was nuts for wanting to watch it. Except maybe
Elaine.//

Ray tried to concentrate on his paperwork when a news bulletin on the
radio caught his attention. "The parade and colour guard in honour of
Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson's visit to Nunavut has been cancelled
due to the crash of a plane carrying several members of her entourage,
including some RCMP officers. Her Excellency has declined to comment on
the tragedy at this time. Names of the crash victims are being withheld
pending notification of family."

Ray's blood turned to ice in his veins. //It's just a coincidence// he
told himself. //Benny couldn't have been on that plane.// Someone turned
up the volume on the television. "Hey, listen to this!"  said Detective
Huey. "There was a plane crash in Canada. They said one of the ticket
holders was connecting from a flight from here in Chicago."

"Ray, wasn't Fraser supposed to be flying up to Canada this week?" asked
Elaine. 

"Yeah, he was," Ray whispered. //It's not true, Fraser is fine, some other
plane crashed// Ray repeated in his mind. "I, uh, I think I should call
the airport." 

Unfortunately, the lines to the airport were jammed this close to the
Easter holiday as everyone seemed to be booking their vacations at the
last minute. Ray swore under his breath and slammed the phone down. Then
his lieutenant's voice boomed across the squadroom.  "VECCHIO! My office!"
Ray got up and answered the summons. 

Lt. Welsh looked serious. "Vecchio, there is a phone call for you from Air
Canada. It's private.  You can take it in here." Welsh left the office and
closed the door. 

His hand trembling, Ray picked up the phone. The airline representative at
the other end told him the news he'd been dreading: Fraser had been one of
the passengers on the crashed commuter flight to Nunavut.  There were no
survivors. Ray was his designated next of kin, which was why he had been
contacted. 

"Have they recovered any ... remains yet?" Ray asked.

"No, sir," said the airline rep. "The crash happened in a rather remote
area. Search and rescue teams are at the site, and the RCMP is assisting
in the recovery." 

Ray, functioning on autopilot, thanked the man on the phone and hung up. 

Lt. Welsh came back in to the office. "Bad news?" he asked
sympathetically. 

"Fraser's dead," said Ray in a stunned voice. "I ... I have to make
arrangements." 

"I understand, Detective," said Welsh. "Take all the time you need." 

"Thank you, sir," Ray croaked as he left the office. Everyone in the squad
room could tell by Ray's face what his phone call had been about. No one
knew what to say, so no one said anything. 

Ray went home. He knew he should be doing something about funeral
arrangements, but everything seemed beyond his ability at the moment. He
wondered if the RCMP would want to take care of things. Fraser seemed to
be back in their good graces lately, if this Governor- General thing was
any indication. 

Finally, he went to bed. He was suddenly exhausted. But he couldn't sleep.
One thought kept repeating itself again and again in his mind. //I never
told him I loved him. And now I never will.//

When Ray didn't come down for supper, his mother went upstairs to check on
him. He told her the news: Fraser had been in a plane crash, and was dead.
Ray had to make funeral arrangements.  Mrs. Vecchio said various
comforting, sympathetic things that Ray didn't hear, and brought him some
soup, which he didn't eat. 

Days passed. Ray had picked up Diefenbaker from Fraser's apartment and
brought him home. The wolf was enjoying being spoiled by the various
members of the Vecchio family, and did not seem at all distressed that his
human wasn't coming back. Or maybe he just didn't know. Ray wished that he
could be as blissfully unaware as Diefenbaker was.

Ray knew that he was practicing some form of denial. He hadn't done
anything about a memorial service. Fraser's body hadn't been recovered,
which was his excuse, but it probably never would be. The plane had caught
fire on impact, and many of the bodies had been burned beyond the ability
of anything except possibly dental records to identify them. Ray didn't
eat, and slept only when exhaustion overtook him and made sleep
unavoidable. When he woke up from these 'naps', he would forget for a
moment that Benny was dead, and would start looking forward to their next
'date.' Then the memory would hit him again and he would lie in his bed
and wish for death.  The only thing that stopped him from eating his gun
was the knowledge that his family depended on him. And for the thousandth
time, he would remember //I never told him that I loved him. And I will
never have the chance to tell him now.//

About a week after the plane crash, Ray decided to go and clean out
Fraser's apartment. It had to be done sometime, and Francesca had been
making noises about doing it herself if Ray 'didn't want to.' Ray didn't
want his sister pawing through Benny's things, so he made himself get up
and go to the building on West Racine. 

As he slowly climbed the stairs with Diefenbaker, Ray recalled that today
would have been the day Benny returned from his trip. //One week// he
thought. //It feels like forever, and it's only been a week.// He knew
that he would have to move on with his life eventually. He had a job that
wouldn't wait indefinitely. He had a family who needed him. But he
couldn't imagine any kind of life without Benton Fraser in it.

"Why did you have to go and die on me, Benny?" Ray asked the walls in
Fraser's apartment. He received no answer. He filled a bowl with water for
Diefenbaker and started making coffee for himself. Suddenly he heard a key
turning in the door. 

//Who could that be? Benny's rent is paid till the end of the month. Is
Dennis in that much of a hurry to rent the place?// Ray got up, ready to
challenge the building superintendent who he assumed was on the other side
of the door.

Benton Fraser walked in to his apartment and saw his partner standing in
the middle of the living room with his mouth hanging open. "Hello, Ray,"
said Benny. "I was expecting you to pick me up at the airport. Were you
held up at work?" 

Ray fainted.

"Oh, dear," said Fraser. He picked up his unconscious friend and carried
him to the bed, where he sat and waited for him to wake up. He was
rewarded in just a few minutes. Ray opened his eyes and stared at him. 

"Are you all right, Ray?" Benny asked.

In response, Ray flung his arms around the Mountie and held on for dear
life. "I'm happy to see you too, Ray," Ben said, bemused. 

Ray started babbling incoherently, causing Fraser to seriously consider
slapping him. Instead he placed a hand on his partner's shoulder and
started to try and get his attention. "Ray! Ray! Ray, I have no idea what
you are trying to tell me. Slow down, Ray! RAY!" 

Finally the Italian stopped to catch his breath and Fraser was able to get
a word in. "Ray, would you please explain to me what's going on? You look
as if you haven't slept or eaten in days. " 

Ray just sat and stared at him. Finally, he said, "You're dead." 

"No, Ray, I am not dead. Did someone tell you that I was?"

"The airline told me," Ray responded softly.

"Oh! The plane crash. Oh, dear. Ray, I missed that flight - because of
you, I might add. I hadn't realized my name was still on the passenger
list. I am sorry, Ray. I was so busy helping with the recovery effort that
I never stopped to think that I was supposed to be on that plane." 

Suddenly the detective broke down and began to sob. He hadn't cried in as
long as he could remember, even when he'd been told that Benny was dead. 
Fraser took Ray in his arms and held him until the sobs quieted. 

Finally, Ray lifted his head and said, "Benny, there's something I need to
tell you." 

"What's that, Ray?"

"I love you, Benny."

Fraser swallowed the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. "I
love you too, Ray. I ... I thought I would never hear you say that." 

"I know, Benny. And I'm sorry. I should have told you a long time ago." 

"Why didn't you, Ray?" Benny asked.

Ray sighed. "Because I convinced myself that if I didn't love you, that
meant I wasn't gay. I could sleep with you all I wanted, but as long as I
didn't love you, then nothing had changed, I was just as straight as I had
always been. Not that I was ever all that straight," he added. "Once when
I was a kid my Pop caught me fooling around with one of the other boys
from the neighbourhood.  We were just kids, exploring, experimenting. My
Pop flew into a rage and beat me to within an inch of my life. He said
that no son of his was going to be a faggot." 

"I'm sorry, Ray."

"There's nothing for you to be sorry for, Benny. I should never have let
you think that I don't love you, because I do. With all of my heart. If
that makes me gay, then I'm gay." 

"Ray, being gay is simply a part of who you are, just like being a
detective, being Italian, being a son and a brother are parts of who you
are.  They are all parts that together make up the individual known as Ray
Vecchio, the man that I love." 

Ray pulled Fraser into an embrace and kissed him passionately. When he
could breathe he said, "Benny, I want to make love with you. I don't want
to have sex or make out or get laid, I want to make love. Can we do that?" 

Fraser began removing his lover's clothes. "Of course we can, Ray." 

"I love you, Benny."

"And I love you, Ray. Always."

END